Thoughts That Come To You

When my wife says "I'll be ready in 5 minutes", I equate it to there being 5 minutes left in the 4th quarter & both teams have all their timeouts left.

On this St. Patrick's Day, here's a blessing to you all..

MAY THOSE WHO LOVE US, LOVE US.

FOR THOSE WHO DON'T MAY THE LORD TURN THEIR HEARTS.

AND IF HE DOESN'T TURN THEIR HEARTS,

MAY HE TURN THEIR ANKLES,

SO WE'LL KNOW THEM BY THEIR LIMPING.

I found 20 bucks outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up. 

So because it’s Good Friday I thought to myself, “What would Jesus do?”.

So I turned it into a bottle of wine...

The boss & I went out for Chinese last night & got talking to the waiter. He told us he lived in Japan during the war & he was a Kamikaze pilot & his code name was Chow Mein.

My wife asked "Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't Kamikaze pilots sacrifice their own lives?"

The waiter replied " Yes, but I was Chicken Chow Mein." 

THIS AD WAS LISTED IN AN ATLANTA NEWSPAPER WITH AN ASSOCIATED PHONE TO CALL & RESPOND

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship. Ethnicity not important. I'm very good looking & like to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping & fishing trips & cold winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hands. When you get home from work, I'll be waiting at the front door wearing nothing but what nature provided. CALL 404-555-xxxx

OVER 1500 MEN FOUND THEMSELVES TALKING TO THE ATLANTA HUMANE SOCIETY ABOUT AN 8-WEEK OLD BLACK LABRADOR RETRIEVER.

Three women 2 younger & a senior citizen are naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound & one of the women pressed here forearm to stop the beeping. The other looked at her strangely, so she explained having a microchip under here skin.

Minutes later a phone rang & the 2nd woman put her palm to her ear to take a phone call. She too explained she had a microchip installed in the palm of her hand. 

The older woman felt very low tech & wasn't going to be outdone. She decided to do something as impressive & excused herself to go to the bathroom. When she returned, there was a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The other 2 women raised their eyebrows & stared at her.

The senior citizen finally said "Well, will you look at that. I'm getting a fax."

A woman wants to buy a parrot & visits the pet store. The owner says he has 3 for sale. One is 2 hundy, another 3 hundy & the last one was only $15. The woman asked why it was only $15 & the owner said his last home was in a brothel & he'd seen a lot. Not wanting to lose out on a great buy, the woman took the parrot.

They get home, walk in the door & the parrot says "Fuck mem an new brothel." Caught off guard the woman laughs.

When her daughters get home, the parrot says "Fuck me, two new prozzies." The girls laugh as well."

When the Dad gets home the parrot says " Fuck me, Pete. Haven't seen you for 2 weeks."

We live in a small community where many former athletes buy/rent homes in our town. We have former Marlin shortstop Alex Gonzalez living across the canal from us. He's a big fisherman & I welcomed him by giving him a couple dozen live mullet for his fishing trips. People don't talk about it & respect their privacy.

This morning, I learned that Travis Kelce is renting a 20 million dollar home during the off season 4 canals north of us. 

Welcome to the neighborhood Travis!

A neighbor stopped by & needed a stiff drink. After family dinner his oldest daughter told him she was a lesbian. Then his youngest daughter told him the same thing. She too was a lesbian.

He was so frustrated & yelled "Doesn't anyone in this house love men???"

His 17 year old son said "Dad, there's something I have to tell you."

Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling & bouncing while also preventing nipples from poking through the material.

After the fashion conference, a group of men beat the shit out of Mr. Rickson.

An old trucker ran a red light & was pulled over by the police.

COP: Didn't you see the red light?

TRUCKER: Yes I did.

COP: Then why didn't you stop?

TRUCKER: Because I didn't see you.

My wife doesn't like when I give panhandlers a few bucks.

The other day stuck in traffic & a guy approached the car on crutches with 1 leg & I gave him a fin. We drive away & my wife says "you know that guy could get a job." I said "Baby the guy has 1 leg. Where's he going to work? IHOP?

That's when the argument started.

Something really shitty happened down here over the weekend.

Spirit Airlines went out of business & the human aspect sucks. Many of these employees have been there for decades. Five thousand lost their jobs & benefits. They've been told to checkout COBRA for insurance. COBRA is very expensive & their plans are limited.

Losing your job is a significant change. Almost like a piece of you is gone. Now you find yourself applying for jobs & the competition for those jobs are your fellow employees. So many of these jobs were unique & the skill sets may not be easily transferable to another industry.

Rat race indeed!  

SIL=SISTER IN-LAW

Had no clue.

Learn something new everyday.

A little girl was digging a whole in her backyard when a neighbor looked over the fence & asked what she was doing.

The little girl replied she was burying her goldfish.

The neighbor asked but why do you need such a big hole?

She replied "because my goldfish is inside your fuckin cat."

Out of the mouths of babes....

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

@Midnight1

 Tapping in with you. Love you, bro.

Lollllll

Ahh, Brother Stu!!! 

I was concerned that perhaps you were going though some tough times or really busy at work or just needed a break from this craziness. Real good to hear from you. Got a story I think you will enjoy..

We are real close to the son of a good friend who passed away during covid. We've been in his life since birth & he's a great kid....well, a kid to me but he's 32. Anyway, he's dating this chick from Switzerland for about 6 months; she's 26 & gorgeous. Her Mom is 55 & a former Miss Switzerland. So he went to pickup his girl Naomi, knocked on the door & her Mom answered the door topless & said "Oh hi Pete" & walked away. 

The totally open sexuality blew his mind. If I remember correctly, your wife is originally from Sweden I think. I'm wondering did you experience a similar situation of total freedom or was there something that was totally different about your wife than any other woman you had met. Did  you know right away this lady was very special? 

Good to see you're still kicking it.

WIFE TO HUSBAND: "YOUR BOSS CALLED & SAID YOU'RE FIRED!"

HUSBAND: "AHHH, SCREW HIM."

WIFE: "ALREADY DID.  YOU GO BACK TO WORK MONDAY."

Due to the rising costs of medical tests, just pee under a tree & wait a bit.

If ants gather, you have diabetes. 

If grass dries up, you have high salt.

If it smells like BBQ, you have high cholesterol.

If you forget to pull up your pants, you have Alzheimer's.

BTW..this weekend if you have a flag fly it. If not, buy one.

It's an easy way to say thank you to those who have lost their lives serving this country.

Thank you!

Ever hear of "poor doors"?

Evidently they have been in big cities around the country for years & they are coming here in new construction taking place in Fort Lauderdale.

These new condos/townhouses have varying prices depending on the size of the unit, parking, health club etc which is normal, right?

But depending on the cost of your unit, you may or may not have access to a "special" entrance. Those who don't have access via the special entrance end up going through another less favorable entrance & they are called the "poor doors." 

Looks like a pretty clear distinction between the "haves" & "have nots" IMO.  

We've all heard the expression "you don't know Jack Shit" but we didn't know who Jack Shit was but through genealogy I've got the answer. Here we go...

Jack Shit is the the son of Ahh Shit who is the manure magnate & owner of Knee Deep in Shit. So Jack Shit married No Shit & being a deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Give a Shit, Full A Shit, Bullshit, Holy Shit & the twins Deep Shit & Dipshit. Against her parents objections, Deep Shit married Dumb Shit a high school dropout. After 15 years of marriage, Jack & No Shit divorced. No Shit married Ted Sherlock & became known as No Shit Sherlock. Meanwhile Deep Shit married Loada Shit & they had a son with a nervous disposition named Chicken Shit. Bullshit the prodigal son returned from Italy with a new wife named Pisa Shit.

Now when someone says you don't know shit, you can now answer them intellectually with this new found information. 

Your welcome!

I had a rash on my testicles & went to see our family doctor.

She took my testicles into her hands & said "You have to stop masturbating."

I asked "Why?"

She said "I'm trying to exam you!"

D-DAY JUNE 6, 1944

82 YEARS AGO TODAY

THE GREATEST GENERATION