What is the funniest saying/ quote you know?

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it away. - I've always thought that one was funny. 

Life sucks, and then you die

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
-Rodney Dangerfield

I don't care said Pierre, I'm from France...

for all the married men out there..."happy wife, happy life"

"for every hot chick you see, there is a man out there thats either sick of fucking her, or sick of her shit"

The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.

-Steven Wright-

Pretty much impossible to choose just one because this guy left many behind --


A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield

lol you guys are right Rodney Dangerfield had some funny ass one liners

Rodney is always great....But I gotta give some love for Sam "Is she right, because I know that's the popular version of what went on there, I know a lot of people like to believe that, but I was there, I wasn't here in a classroom, hoping I was right, thinking about it, I was up to my knees in rice patties, w/ guns going up against Charlie slugging it out w/ him while pussies like you, were back here partying putting head bands on doing drugs while listening to goddamn Beatle albums....

Or Sam....I love women, but man there are some fucking bitches. Call this fucking bitch up...Hello is Veronica there, we're actually at a big party here and she hasn't showed up yet, can I leave a message if she calls back, so tell her she's a big fucking box and she broke his heart, we hope her box rots off and falls off in a big fucking toilet!!!

Confucius say "Man who go to bed with itchy ass, wake up with smelly fingers".

I don't know which comedian told this. It was a long time ago.

"One thing about sodomy...It always gets the point across."

Doesn't really fit this category but I asked my recently married friend if he beats off alot when the wife is out of town for work.  He responds:

"No, but I put on her panties and cut myself."

I'm assuming this line was followed by an awkward silence...

It was followed by uncontrollable laughter from both of us.  I thought it was a quick and hilarious response.

Society woman Nancy Astor: "Sir, if you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee"

Prime Minister Winston Churchill: "Madam,if I were you husband, I'D DRINK IT"

 

Always been a big fan of Rodney Dangerfield. Here's another one.

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." 

koman22 if you never heard that line before then you must be 22 years old 

geez. I forget theres a bunch of kids who were born in the 90's on this site

BTW - the line is true.

I had a model / bikini butt person for a long time. Everybody would stare like she has 3 eyes because she was fine. After fucking her every which way for 3 years --- I was bored and sick of her bitchiness and prep time. Why do you think movie star fuck slags??

In the end im way more attracted to really fine/cute/pretty girls that have more to offer and are much better people in general

I guess I would qualify for both parts of the line: I was sick of fucking her and sick of her shit.  

OMG HOT is not all that

 

WC Fields

"I'll never forget the time we were stranded on a desert island. We lost our corkscrew, and we were forced to live on food and water for several days"

Roses are red, Violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.