I'm About to Have Sex for the first time... I have some questions

Don't ask anyone around here for advice (especially Jurassic as he likes dogs and cats).  Just make a thread addressed to me and I will deal with.

First off, sex does not feel like it should.  It feels pretty good, but not like top of the world good.  That is probably because I am no good at it.  I am a bull in a china shop when I don't have a plastic bag hanging out of my ass.  I don't even like wet vagina.  Dry vagina feel better than wet vagina.  If you start feeling like the Hellraiser movie and you think that the dry vagina has just dispatched hooks to rip off your penile skin, well, first off, you're right they are hooks.  And if that becomes too much, just apply a little spit.  No loogies necessary.

That whole paragraph is amazing, wonderful advice.  Here comes more.

Women do not like it when you juice on them.  Unless after you juice, you make it up by applying one dollar bills to the stains.  I do this in public restrooms all of the time with my victims.

Secondly, never french kiss a girl when having sex, especially on your first time.  This will cause your penis to explode like a clown cigar.  It might even explode back inside of you and if you're french-kissing, well, you might just yak some juice into her mouth.

Which leads me to my next point: DO NOT juice IN A GIRL'S MOUTH UNLESS SHE'S ASLEEP.  Not only will she not approve of cumming in her mouth while awake, it is also funnier to see her cough up some gnarly bubbles.

Never get into bondage.  It goes way too far.  It starts with simple tying up and ends with you going to work wearing assless chaps and telling everyone to call you "master."

And most importantly, on your first trip into a dry, vulnerable vagina, be sure to wear protection.  Like a ski mask.  It helps.

Good luck.

What kind of excuese do you make up to not sleep with a girl?  Do you tell her you're ragging like they tell us? 

Also, to answer your questions:

 

A.)  Havent you ever seen American Pie?  It feels like warm apple pie.

B.)  Unless you are packing 10 inches, you will disappoint.  Don't worry about her, sex is a selfish game and you play for yourself.  In the sports world it is the equivalent of Tennis, Golf, Bowling, or boxing.  

C.)  Rub one out before she comes over so you don't juice as fast.  Or think of your brother and or uncle going down on you so you don't get too happy and blow your wad before she even has a chance to get wet.

D.)  This is the most important.  Right before you feel like you are going to juice, punch her in the nose so she starts bleeding.  Then, pull out, whip off the rubber and juice all over her nose and mouth.  That is a little move called The Strawberry Shortcake.  You will thank me later you pulled this one off. 

 

Keep us posted. 

 

fucking awesome

Okay, here is what you do.  As you stand you make her eat your asshole.  While doing that have her reach around and start jerking you off.  While eating your asshole, have her blow hard but with her lips held closely together so her lips vibrate and make a sound as the air passes through it.  Then you say "yeah baby, now you're playing the rusty trombone"

Chick dig that

If in the middle of it you have any more questions just excuse yourself and run to your computer because we are here to help.

Not sure of this will be thread of the year, but by far it gets "Thread Title" of the year

Try the bronco in drudowns post that shit is great. Women around here love it.

I had sex last night, and I really hope my dick doesn't fall off.

I hate that feeling, try not to ever get to this point...

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