The Russian Hack Job

The Kremlin's Ingenious Plan to Hack the Election, Revealed

I just got off the phone with my secret source, deep inside the Kremlin. Using my command of highly limited tourist Russian, I spoke with Comrade Leonid Stalinov Leninksy. (Oops! I think I just outed him.) In a worldwide-exclusive interview, Leninsky explained to me how hackers controlled by Russian intelligence orchestrated the defeat of Hillary Clinton and the election of Donald J. Trump as the next president of the United States.

Their plan was truly ingenious:

Anticipating that Clinton would run for president in 2016, these very far-sighted Russians hacked the State Department's operation center. They tampered with the January 2009 work order for a new computer server in the office of the secretary of state. These covert operatives in Moscow changed the instructions from "Please install in Secretary Clinton's seventh-floor office" to "Please install in basement of Secretary Clinton's Chappaqua, N.Y., home." Thus, that pesky server wound up in Clinton's cellar. Little did she know this would explode into the Servergate scandal.

On the evening of September 11, 2012, Russian hackers infiltrated the information system at the State Department's Office of Public Affairs. They digitally doctored a press release that correctly blamed the al-Qaeda-linked Islamic terrorists of Ansar al-Sharia for the then-unfolding, deadly attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, Libya. The Russians rewrote the 10:32 p.m. EST communique to call "this vicious behavior" a "response to inflammatory material posted on the Internet." This forced Clinton's hand. Not wanting to send contradictory signals by revealing the truth, she stuck with that false "the video did it" narrative for years.

The men from Moscow hacked into Clinton's teleprompter last September 9. In a fundraising speech that she delivered to donors at Cipriani restaurant, literally on Wall Street, her original reference to half of Trump's supporters as "hard-working Americans thirsty for economic growth and tired of being lectured to by condescending, out-of-touch elites in Washington" disappeared. Instead, Clinton was amazed to find herself calling them a "basket of deplorables." She was as stunned as anyone to find her lips forming the words "racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamophobic - you name it."

The Russians cunningly hacked Clinton's HVAC systems in her two homes and the hotel rooms in which she slept on the campaign trail. Every night, soon after Hillary retired, the Russians hijacked the air conditioner where she dozed that evening. Forcing the room temperature down to 55 degrees, Moscow eventually gave the Democratic nominee pneumonia. This prompted the notorious fainting incident on September 11, which - fairly or not - raised questions about Clinton's health and stamina.

The hackers penetrated campaign manager Robby Mook's PC and deleted Clinton's positive economic message.

These e-vil people burrowed into the computers in Clinton-Kane's policy-development offices. They electronically shredded the campaign's plan to appeal to black voters with a new, nationwide commitment to robust school choice, so that black boys and girls might boost their life prospects by actually learning something in America's ghetto schools. Once that proposal vanished, Team Hillary had no choice but to revert to hackneyed scare tactics about an incipient rise of the Ku Klux Klan. Unimpressed, normally reliable black Democrats stayed home in sufficient numbers to contribute to Clinton's loss. In fact, enough of them voted for Trump to increase the GOP's share of the black vote by 33 percent, compared to what Mitt Romney earned in 2012.

The Russians drilled into the navigation system of Stronger Together, Clinton's campaign plane, and erased Wisconsin from its map of the USA. This prevented her from landing and stumping even once in that entire state during the fall election campaign.

I had planned to send details of this conversation to my main contact at the CIA, J. Worthington Carstairs IV. However, I bet that Vladimir Putin's boys already have hacked Carstairs' e-mail system and slipped it into his inbox. I thank the Kremlin for sparing me the trouble.