A minister said to his congregation, "Next week I'll be preaching about the sin of lying. I'd like everyone to read Mark Chapter 17."
The next Sunday he asked "Who read Mark 17?" Every hand went into the air. The minister grinned as he looked upon his flock & said "Mark only has 16 Chapters."
Let's talk about lying.
A young man walks in to and asks to have a word with his father.
"Dad, I have to talk to you."
His dad pays him little mind and continues to read his newspaper.
"Dad, can we talk? Something happened at school today?"
"What's that, son?" still reading his paper.
"Dad, at school today, I had sex with my teacher!"
Well upon hearing this, the man puts his paper down.
"What?! Son, are you serious?" Then he starts to grin, proudly. "Son. Son! Do you realize that I was in college before I boned one of my professors? How old are you now? 15?! Chip off the ol' block! This deserves a celebration! You know what? How about that new bike you've been wanting? We can go get that bike right now if you want!"
"Yeah, I guess," the boy says. "Sounds great, but can we go tomorrow?
"Tomorrow? Sure, son, but why?"
"I just want to rest. My ass really hurts."
A hubby & wife are shopping in a mall for Christmas when the hubby disappears. She waits about 15 minutes & calls his phone & asks where he was.
He answered & said "Honey remember the jewelers we went into about 5 ears ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford & I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up & started to cry saying "I do. I do remember that shop."
The newly divorced husband replied "Well, I'm in the pub next door."
A guy gets a smack on the back of his head by his wife who says "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with the name Penelope on it. Who is she?"
The hubby responds "It's not a woman. It's a horse I want to bet tomorrow & didn't want to forget the name."
Later that night, the phone rings & she answers it. The hubby asks who was on the phone.
The wife says "Your horse called."
Homer, Gomer & Stanley were buddies & always hung around with each other. One morning, the coroner called both Homer & Gomer to come to his office because he believed Stanley died in a fire & he needed him positive identification.
First Gomer viewed the body & since Stanley's face was disfigured due to the fire, Gomer couldn't identified Stanley & asked the coroner to turn Stanley's body over on his stomach for a different view. Gomer stated "That's not Stanley." The coroner thought that was odd but called Homer into the room.
Homer couldn't identify Stanley either & asked the coroner to turn over his body as well. Once done, Homer said "That's not Stanley. He has two assholes."
The coroner said "He has 2 assholes?" Homer replied "Everyone knew Stanley had 2 assholes. When people saw the 3 of us together they would say "There goes Stanley with the 2 assholes."
A psychic dwarf escaped from prison. Now we have a small medium at large.
Did you hear about the farmer who left his wife for a tractor salesman? He sent her a John Deere letter.
Our neighborhood bakery burned down. It's toast.
There was a huge line for the LEGO sales. People were lined up for blocks.
There's a super popular new squirrel diet. It's nuts!
And COVERS crowd chants.......MORE...MORE...MORE. WE WANT MORE!
Was Gary a good or a piece of shit? How old was he? Was Gary an old man?
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