Posted:
#1
Got these from a website - edited it down to the ones i thought were the best, or actually funny even:
Poker Jokes & Humor
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Pack Up
A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.
"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that?"
"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."
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The Leprechaun
A guy was playing 10-20 holdem and was stuck about 300 dollars when he looked down beside the table and saw a little green leprechuan.
"Quit playing poker forever right now and I'll give you a pot of gold worth a million dollars.", said the little fellow.
The player replied, "Let me get even first."
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Go to Las Vegas
There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says,
"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He ignores the voice.
Later in the day, he hears the voice again.
"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
Again, he ignores the voice.
Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day.
"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice.
He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas.
As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to the Horseshoe."
He goes to The Horseshoe.
The voice says, "Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry."
He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP.
He goes to his assigned tournament table.
The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt AsAd.
The voice says, "Go all in."
He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot.
Three players call.
The dealer lays down the flop which is 8h9h10h.
The voice says, "f*ck."
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Obnoxious Kid on poker night
This guy is having a lovely poker game at home until his obnoxious 12-year-old son started disrupting things by going around, telling player's cards, making noise, and being a general nuisance. The father is about to discipline him when an uncle of the family says, "Let me handle this."
The uncle takes the boy in another room and much to everyone's surprise, they don't see him the rest of the night. The father says to the uncle, "I really appreciate what you did, what did you say to him?"
The uncle says, "I really didn't say anything, I just showed him how to masturbate."
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Kids Play Poker Too
The milkman walks up to the front door, and as he passes the window he looks in and sees a group of young boys drinking bourbon and playing poker for what looks like huge stakes.
He rings the bell and a 6 year old boy answers with cards in his hand and a cigar in his mouth.......
The milkman asks, "Are your parents in?"
The boy replies, "WHAT DO YOU F*CKING THINK?"
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Q: Heard of the Los Angeles poker hand?
A: Four Clubs beat a King
Q: What is the difference between a casino and a church?
A: When you pray in a casino you really mean it!!
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Business as usual at the Mirage
In a 10-20 Hold'em game at the Mirage, a drunk was begining to get out of hand.
"Well that was one p*ssy-pink river card from you dealer!" he bellowed after missing a flush.
The dealer beheld the drunk gravely; "Sir, there is a young lady at the table. If you don't control your language, you will have to leave."
On the next hand, the drunk doesn't improve his set on the flop and looses to a straight. "Jesus Christ! Why don't you just light my f*cking wallet on fire pinhead!"
The dealer was absolutely at his limit; "Sir, I'm telling you for the last time; there is a young lady at the table! Control your language or you will be escorted out of here!"
On the following hand, every player in the game wades into the pot. There are raises and caps on every card. In the end, the drunk sucks out an inside straight and wins the 10-20 pot of the month. The drunk looks out over his pile of chips at the dealer and asks, "Do you boys pool your tips togeather or do you keep them for yourselves?"
The dealer replies "All dealers here keep their own tips."
The drunk tosses two green chips at the dealer and says with a grin; "Well have a Goddamn toke on me, motherf*cker."
The dealer picks up the $50, turns to the young woman and says, "Miss, I'm afraid you'll have to leave the table."
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Pack Up
A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.
"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that?"
"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Leprechaun
A guy was playing 10-20 holdem and was stuck about 300 dollars when he looked down beside the table and saw a little green leprechuan.
"Quit playing poker forever right now and I'll give you a pot of gold worth a million dollars.", said the little fellow.
The player replied, "Let me get even first."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Go to Las Vegas
There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says,
"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He ignores the voice.
Later in the day, he hears the voice again.
"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
Again, he ignores the voice.
Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day.
"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice.
He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas.
As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to the Horseshoe."
He goes to The Horseshoe.
The voice says, "Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry."
He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP.
He goes to his assigned tournament table.
The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt AsAd.
The voice says, "Go all in."
He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot.
Three players call.
The dealer lays down the flop which is 8h9h10h.
The voice says, "f*ck."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Obnoxious Kid on poker night
This guy is having a lovely poker game at home until his obnoxious 12-year-old son started disrupting things by going around, telling player's cards, making noise, and being a general nuisance. The father is about to discipline him when an uncle of the family says, "Let me handle this."
The uncle takes the boy in another room and much to everyone's surprise, they don't see him the rest of the night. The father says to the uncle, "I really appreciate what you did, what did you say to him?"
The uncle says, "I really didn't say anything, I just showed him how to masturbate."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kids Play Poker Too
The milkman walks up to the front door, and as he passes the window he looks in and sees a group of young boys drinking bourbon and playing poker for what looks like huge stakes.
He rings the bell and a 6 year old boy answers with cards in his hand and a cigar in his mouth.......
The milkman asks, "Are your parents in?"
The boy replies, "WHAT DO YOU F*CKING THINK?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Heard of the Los Angeles poker hand?
A: Four Clubs beat a King
Q: What is the difference between a casino and a church?
A: When you pray in a casino you really mean it!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Business as usual at the Mirage
In a 10-20 Hold'em game at the Mirage, a drunk was begining to get out of hand.
"Well that was one p*ssy-pink river card from you dealer!" he bellowed after missing a flush.
The dealer beheld the drunk gravely; "Sir, there is a young lady at the table. If you don't control your language, you will have to leave."
On the next hand, the drunk doesn't improve his set on the flop and looses to a straight. "Jesus Christ! Why don't you just light my f*cking wallet on fire pinhead!"
The dealer was absolutely at his limit; "Sir, I'm telling you for the last time; there is a young lady at the table! Control your language or you will be escorted out of here!"
On the following hand, every player in the game wades into the pot. There are raises and caps on every card. In the end, the drunk sucks out an inside straight and wins the 10-20 pot of the month. The drunk looks out over his pile of chips at the dealer and asks, "Do you boys pool your tips togeather or do you keep them for yourselves?"
The dealer replies "All dealers here keep their own tips."
The drunk tosses two green chips at the dealer and says with a grin; "Well have a Goddamn toke on me, motherf*cker."
The dealer picks up the $50, turns to the young woman and says, "Miss, I'm afraid you'll have to leave the table."
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