Posted:
#1
It’s been a mad, mad March, leaving plenty of college basketball fans to question why the hell they bother following a season’s worth of NCAA action.
Even the most hardcore hoop heads have watched their brackets burn while Kaylee, the perky intern, leads the office pool because: She has a grandma in Arizona, her boyfriend drives a Ram, her neighbor had “the cutest” bulldog growing up, and she watched the Wizard of Oz (for the 1,000th time) just before Selection Sunday and thought that was the universe’s way of telling her to pick Kansas to win it all.
While she’ll probably spend her winnings, including the $10 bucks you confidently threw into the hat, on a new bag, bus tickets and some drinks for her and her equally-bubbly friends (skanks) at the bar this weekend (and not even watch the games), you can take some consolation that you’re not alone in the wasteland of broken brackets.
There are a lot of us out there that thought we had a good grasp on the madness, only to watch it explode like Chris Brown in a dressing room. All the while, witnessing people, who have never heard of the Morris brothers (no they aren’t a pair of video game plumbers), pull near-perfect brackets out of their ass like they ate Gary Parrish, Jerry Palm and Joe Lunardi the night before.
Here are four people who have a better bracket than you:
Your Mom
If you’re like me, March Madness is a family event. And each year, we all put our best brackets forward with a steak dinner – with all the fixings – on the line.
Most of the time, it’s my Dad and I and a couple of buddies. But this year, Mom has thrown her hat in the ring and is mopping the floor with us. She still has three of her Final Four left and called games like Arizona over Duke, and Butler over Pittsburgh.
On one side, you feel shame for getting your butt kicked by a woman who has seen Celine Dion in concert three times. On the other, you’re kind of proud that you came from such a wise NCAA prophet.
Your Boss
This one is a bit shady. Every March you run your office’s bracket pool. And every year, your boss is always in the running. At first, he handed you a bracket that had Pitt going all the way, then he sent you an email with an updated version (following their loss to Butler) that had Duke repeating as champs.
Then, late Friday, you received a ring on your phone. On the other end of the call was your boss’ secretary saying you would have to stay late to receive his bracket via fax while he's away at a conference in Maui.
Any other person would be pistol whipped for these shenanigans, but not the boss. Plus, he said he’d rat you out to the Feds for running a sports gambling ring if he didn’t at least win third prize.
Your douchebag friend
We all have one. He gets way too loaded when you go out, starts fights with everyone at any time, and emails you the sickest (not in the way the cool kids mean it) links and pictures – to your work email nonetheless. And, since the tournament started, he’s been texting you non-stop about all his picks.
When Morehead State knocked out Louisville, you got a text from him – “Called it”. When VCU thumped Purdue – “I f-ing told you so man!”. And last night, when Kentucky out-hustled OSU – “What did I say dude?!”.
Sure, he’s picked some upsets, but it also helps when you fill out 200 brackets. I guess that’s what you can do when you don't have a job. And no dude, you cannot borrow $50.
The online bracket leader
A lot of people sign up for these online contests, filling out a bracket at CBS or ESPN to compete with legions upon legions of college hoops hopefuls, trying to land that big Grand Prize.
Have you ever looked up the leaders? Jesus, where do these guys come from – the future? ESPN’s current leader has all but one of his Elite Eight remaining, and that’s because he had Wisconsin beating Butler in the Sweet 16!
OK, Biff Tannen. I’m on to you and so is Marty and Doc Brown. Enjoy that sports almanac you gave yourself while you can and keep an eye out for manure trucks.
Even the most hardcore hoop heads have watched their brackets burn while Kaylee, the perky intern, leads the office pool because: She has a grandma in Arizona, her boyfriend drives a Ram, her neighbor had “the cutest” bulldog growing up, and she watched the Wizard of Oz (for the 1,000th time) just before Selection Sunday and thought that was the universe’s way of telling her to pick Kansas to win it all.
While she’ll probably spend her winnings, including the $10 bucks you confidently threw into the hat, on a new bag, bus tickets and some drinks for her and her equally-bubbly friends (skanks) at the bar this weekend (and not even watch the games), you can take some consolation that you’re not alone in the wasteland of broken brackets.
There are a lot of us out there that thought we had a good grasp on the madness, only to watch it explode like Chris Brown in a dressing room. All the while, witnessing people, who have never heard of the Morris brothers (no they aren’t a pair of video game plumbers), pull near-perfect brackets out of their ass like they ate Gary Parrish, Jerry Palm and Joe Lunardi the night before.
Here are four people who have a better bracket than you:
Your Mom
If you’re like me, March Madness is a family event. And each year, we all put our best brackets forward with a steak dinner – with all the fixings – on the line.
Most of the time, it’s my Dad and I and a couple of buddies. But this year, Mom has thrown her hat in the ring and is mopping the floor with us. She still has three of her Final Four left and called games like Arizona over Duke, and Butler over Pittsburgh.
On one side, you feel shame for getting your butt kicked by a woman who has seen Celine Dion in concert three times. On the other, you’re kind of proud that you came from such a wise NCAA prophet.
Your Boss
This one is a bit shady. Every March you run your office’s bracket pool. And every year, your boss is always in the running. At first, he handed you a bracket that had Pitt going all the way, then he sent you an email with an updated version (following their loss to Butler) that had Duke repeating as champs.
Then, late Friday, you received a ring on your phone. On the other end of the call was your boss’ secretary saying you would have to stay late to receive his bracket via fax while he's away at a conference in Maui.
Any other person would be pistol whipped for these shenanigans, but not the boss. Plus, he said he’d rat you out to the Feds for running a sports gambling ring if he didn’t at least win third prize.
Your douchebag friend
We all have one. He gets way too loaded when you go out, starts fights with everyone at any time, and emails you the sickest (not in the way the cool kids mean it) links and pictures – to your work email nonetheless. And, since the tournament started, he’s been texting you non-stop about all his picks.
When Morehead State knocked out Louisville, you got a text from him – “Called it”. When VCU thumped Purdue – “I f-ing told you so man!”. And last night, when Kentucky out-hustled OSU – “What did I say dude?!”.
Sure, he’s picked some upsets, but it also helps when you fill out 200 brackets. I guess that’s what you can do when you don't have a job. And no dude, you cannot borrow $50.
The online bracket leader
A lot of people sign up for these online contests, filling out a bracket at CBS or ESPN to compete with legions upon legions of college hoops hopefuls, trying to land that big Grand Prize.
Have you ever looked up the leaders? Jesus, where do these guys come from – the future? ESPN’s current leader has all but one of his Elite Eight remaining, and that’s because he had Wisconsin beating Butler in the Sweet 16!
OK, Biff Tannen. I’m on to you and so is Marty and Doc Brown. Enjoy that sports almanac you gave yourself while you can and keep an eye out for manure trucks.
0
Thanks man that's the funniest thing I read in quite some time, especially the Celine Dion concert line.
Great Great job. Terrific writing, my friend.
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