I received a phonecall that woke me this morning. People think it's cool to call me at 11am but then I am supposed to be worried if it's too late to call them at 8:30pm. You know, the unspoken rule of a time that is too late to call. If you call a family household after 8:30pm, you are king asshole supreme! I have been asked by shitheads who answered my call if I felt comfortable calling them this late? Like they are calling me out for being inconsiderate and embarrassing me?
I dont think so bitch and no I don't have a problem calling you this late......It's only 9:50pm and your asshole husband was blowing my phone up at 7:30 this morning! So quit harrasing me and put his bitch ass on the phone! (Thats how I have to talk to my friends wives.) You have to tell 'em what's up sometimes. Just because my good friend can't defend himself against the succubus anymore does not mean I have to take that shit! Also her mind controlling powers don't work on me! I just would lke to know why she is middle manning a phonecall intended for her sweetie?
So anyway I get this call this morning and I am asked if I want to smoke. I of course right off the bat was like hell yeah but there was a catch to this offer and there is always a catch! He tells me he wants me to go a few places where one of the stops involved popping in and see a buddy of his in the hospital. Fuck. But being that I am waiting on a phonecall for a sack that seems like now I am waiting on a response from a message in a bottle. Who the hell knows when it will come through. So I real quick and rationalize doing a bunch of bullshit to smoke. I am shallow like that sometimes. I won't suck a dick for a blunt or anything, but I will allow myself to get drug all over town to and from these godawful places.
So we get to the hospital. Upon arriving I remember just how exciting it is in the waiting rooms. But at least I am high now so I should quit bitching. I am sitting there keeping myself entertained mentally with people watching. And as always there was plenty of visual stimuli to keep the voices in my head busy and me entertained. People are something, where do they come from? Have you ever had thoughts that you feel guilty for thinking and you would never dare vocalize? Well if you ever see me laughing by myself, you will know the voices just told me something good. But I am not quite sure how I am going work this thought into regular conversation. I became lured into this woman that had the thinnest hair I have seen on a woman. To top it off she had a tight ponytail. Her hair was so thin it made Donald Trump's hair look like Jesse's form Full House.
So about that time a nurse comes out to ask us to follow her back to the room. Let me tell you she was worth following. She was extremely hot and to be honest none of us were expecting this ambush. She was the kind of hot to where now we are all acting different all of a sudden but yet are able to make that understood guy eye contact eyebrow raise to each other. We get back to the room and this dude we are coming to see is in bad shape and doped up like a vegetable. He could do nothing for himself and I could really care less. My main focus now is not to look like a wierdo staring at this beauty while she did her job. And she did that well but the more I watched her work, the more I felt bad for her and what she was having to do for the Christopher Reeves sitting before us. But the vegetable we came to see I could care less about? Go figure.
Also I am feeling bad for her because she is now having to do all of this in a cramped room with idiot guys and it must suck for her. And while I am thinking that as I sit in my chair. I do a quick evaluation of myself and realize I might as well be Salty, the scrubs pantyline and camel toe inspector. So who the hell am I to feel bad?
And as she was getting a sippy cup ready or some shit she knocked over some flowers and dirt went everywhere. She was very embarrassed and instantly apologetic and of course men rush to help and comfort a fine chic. I was no exeption, I think I threw an elbow to get good position to help. I can't remember, I blacked out.
She said she would get on the phone and have some help come clean up the spill. I told her that she needed to call haz-mat. She looked at me like a dumb ass with confusion. The whole time I was in the room I just was trying to figure out a way to conversate with her. Now she falls in my lap!
So then I simply respond......"You need to call haz-mat because your ass is asbestos i've ever seen!"
It gets a laugh but in your a jack ass type way.
But about 10 minutes later as we leaving. The hot ass nurse wlks by and hands me a card. The front had her cell number on it, The back read "Lets fuck"
Well that all happened but the part where she gave me the card. I just thought it sounded better with a happy ending
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