Cheating for dummies:
1. Always pay cash
This should seem simple enough. Cash is mostly untraceable. As long as it isn't deposited in unusually large quantities into the account of a player or a player's parent, the NCAA will not find it. Paper trails lead to trouble. When Oregon coach Chip Kelly agreed to pay Lyles for a bogus scouting service, Kelly probably didn't know that every University of Oregon transaction is published on the state of Oregon's website. He knows now. So don't use checks, wire transfers, gift certificates or any other form of currency. Don't even make anonymous donations to a handler's 501(c)3 charitable foundation, even though I know you basketball cheaters do this all the time. Simply use some of that green paper with Ben Franklin's face on it, and the NCAA will be none the wiser as long as you follow my other rules.
2. Nothing in writing
No major college football or basketball coach should have an e-mail address. If he does, he should never use it. That way, when a do-gooder such as former Ohio State player Chris Cicero sends an e-mail about the star quarterback and star receiver trading memorabilia for cash and tattoos, the head coach can be completely honest when he tells the NCAA: "I never saw that." If Tressel had ignored his e-mail during his Ohio State tenure, he'd still have a job. This rule applies to players, too. If an agent gives one of your players a South Beach shopping spree or a VIP night at some club that charges $12 for a Bud Light, make sure your players know better than to narrate in real time the receipt of impermissible benefits on Twitter or Facebook.
3. Everyone gets paid
Keep the circle tight, and pay everyone in the circle. Why did Alabama get caught buying Albert Means from his high school coach? Because an assistant who was part of the scheme didn't get his cut and ran to a newspaper. Why did USC get savaged by the Committee on Infractions? Because Bush was too greedy to pay Lloyd Lake the $300,000 he owed him, and the geniuses in charge at Heritage Hall decided that instead of passing the hat among the boosters and paying the man, they'd take their chances with the NCAA. Millions of dollars, 30 lost scholarships and two lost bowl games later, any able-bodied student at USC has a chance of cracking the Trojans' depth chart this season. Why did Lyles flip on Oregon and spill his guts to Yahoo! Sports? Because he was supposed to get another $25,000, and Oregon didn't pay. Always, always, always pay everyone. Which brings us to rule No. 4.
4) same as #1
5. Plausible deniability is your greatest ally
Butch Davis' name doesn't appear in the NCAA's notice of allegations against North Carolina despite what appears to be widespread corruption in the football program. That's because Davis -- as far as we know -- built enough walls to keep himself from getting tarred. Young assistants, remember this and you'll go far. The head coach never meets the money guy. He never meets the handler. He never meets the agent runners. All business is conducted through assistants and lower-level employees. That way, no one can count phone calls between the coach and the handler on phone lines whose records are public because of state open records laws. We know exactly how many times Tressel corresponded with Terrelle Pryor's handler, Ted Sarniak, and we know exactly how many times Oregon's Kelly called or texted Lyles. Head coaches, whatever you do, DON'T SEND THE HANDLER A HANDWRITTEN NOTE THANKING HIM FOR "ORCHESTRATING" SOMETHING. I'm looking at you, Chip Kelly. Follow this rule, and you can escape a scandal by sacrificing an assistant or an athletic department employee. Just remember the sacrificial lambs always must get paid. How do you pay the sacrificial lamb? See rule Nos. 1 and 4.
6. Use a burner
Coaches, the NCAA knows about your bat phone. (Your wife probably does, too.) This is the personal phone you use when you want to get around the NCAA's worthless rule against texting recruits. If you get called to the carpet by the enforcement staff, they'll request the records for your work phone and your bat phone. That's why you need third, fourth, fifth and sixth phones. If you must violate Rule No. 5, take a lesson from The Wire and employ a disposable, untraceable-by-the-NCAA prepaid phone to call your favorite bagman, handler or fixer. To make sure this phone isn't traceable, see rule No. 7.
7. Always pay cash
Because who the hell pays a street agent with a university-issued check? That's like -- paying a street agent with a university-issued check.
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