Vally Man Attempts Suicide After Steeler Win

Bob "Timebomb" Schaffer had to be rescued from the icy waters of the Captina creek after leaping off the Inez Wright bridge. shortly after his four teamer was ruined by the 11-10 Steeler victory over the San Diego Chargers.  After seeing the ball scooped up for a touchdown by Kumoniwantolaya Timebomb paid off his gambling debts in cash to fellow gambler "Dimbo" Kish..  With an undisclosed amount in Kish's hand the touchdown was called back.  "He headed straignt for the bridge", Kish said!  Luckily for Schaffer his high alcohol level guarded him against hypothermia while another town drunk Donnie West swam out and pulled him to shore.  Shivering, West quoted, "I was gettin high under the bridge when I heard someone scream, fuck, then heard a big splash. " Being suicidal myself, I just swam out and grabbed him", West boasted!  The Powhatan Fire and rescue arrived to find both men shivering and drinking a beer.  Fire chief "Barhead" Nelms transported both men to the Riverside Inn for treatment from no other than Lizzette Vessles.  "If Lizette can't straighten these two out nobody can"!  Vessles has taken over the title of head bar maid in the hatten since the death of longtime bouncer and bar maid Susan Armann!

Numerous others fell victim to the game, some relief was brought to the valley with the Browns win Monday night over the Bills but some still suffer. A charity fund has been set up in Schaffers name, donations can be mailed or hand carried to Hank's Place to get Timebomb ready to bet for this weeks college games.