1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming person. A
cat is like a dog, but gay-- it grooms itself constantly but never
scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails,
and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog...
'Killer, come here! I said
get your ass over here, Killer!'
Now think about how you call a cat... 'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any
such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only
sucks on bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts,
pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training and
undeniably a person.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parkinglot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's
world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight
man willnever be heard ordering a 'Decaf SoyLatte'. If you've put a
Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four
different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you
might as well be handin out free ass passes. A real man
doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap.
If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier'
is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.
dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands
on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off.
The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio
station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.