Taking a dump when home alone

Do you still close the door?

Who says I close it when I'm not home alone?

All jokes aside, I like a closed door when I'm taking a dump. My wife just about never closes the door. She'll close the door to blow dry her hair. Not to take a shit though. The was our master bath is set up though you're around a corner. There's some distance. We aren't looking each other in the eyes. 

One of my French bulldogs wants that eye contact. It’s the black one, not the spotted one. He will post up in the corner of the bathroom while I’m taking a grumper, sit back, and stare. It was at that point I really understood the Dave Attell joke:

Have I ever shaved my pubes? Intersting question. I have, but not because i wanted to - I was involved in a horrible gum accident and had to work a little frontier medicine. I had a hernia, and they shaved mine halfway, like my insurance ran out in the middle of the operation. When you have a hernia, people want to know, "How'd you do it? Were you lifting?" Did you know you can also get one by trying to take a shit really quickly? No one ever tells that story. Until right now. I'm sitting on the can in my own little world, cleaning my ears, clipping my nose hairs, drinking coffee. All of a sudden I hear the music to The Simpsons from the other room. I've got about eight seconds, so I start pushing - balls in the water, left leg shaking, I'm up on one cheek trying to Dukes of Hazzard it out. Then I feel a tug, and the next thing I know I'm on the ground doing a marine crawl over to my first-aid kit. My dog comes over and starts licking my ass thinking we're playing.

@Sidehatch

 You got a hernia for the damn Simpsons?! What year was this? Pre-DVR I would imagine. Yeah, toilets don't put us in the best position to shit. A squat (as if doing the exercise) is the natural shitting position. Forcing on too hard as well as spending to much time on that bowl could all lead to hernia. I don't give a shit though, no pun intended. I'll spend 45 minutes on that thing. Send out some emails, play my phone football. Slide in some DMs. When you grow up in a fairly big family, the shitter and shower become sanctuaries. To this day, even with plenty of rooms and space, and multiple shitters, I still take long shits and long showers.

@StumpTownStu

 That's some funny shit....

It's all shits and giggles...until someone giggles and shits! 

If I'm Home Alone I don't even Wipe.

@666LES

 Hahahahahah

ill stay on that bitch until the legs go numb.  shake that off then stay another 5 until they really go numb       

I close the door, & regularly use a bidet.  #CrystalClean