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1. 380 pound school bus driver. Hubby was a mechanic in small town 30 miles away. Told me she was separated and "pleasantly plump". Come to find out her husband was an expert with crossbow as well as a  parolee and that my front porch step couldn't support her weight.

2. Said she was Asian and "exotic". Met me at the restaurant wearing a  dust mask and  sandals in a snowstorm.  Verified her Asian heritage when she got into a scrreaming match with one of the Chinese bus-boys, something about an unpaid gambling debt I was told later by the investigating officers.

3. Told me she loved music. Found out after taking her out for 15 dollar flavored martinis it was 'techno' muzak. Dreadful. Both of us obviously repelled by each other in every way but so horny we headed back to her condo anyways. While she went to the bathroom after some lackluster heavy petting her cat, a wretched statue of skin and bone she called  "my sickie"  threw up on my shoulder. I threw up on her couch. Stole a six pack of yin-ling and hit the road....

4. Had phone sex with her for 2 months before we met. She screamed so loudly that on several occasions she had to tell her husband that she had stepped on a nail down in the basement. He was in heating and air and apparently not interested in sex anymore. When I met her I could see why. The photos she had sent me had all been taken in the dark and turns out the black and white wasnt a sign of artistic temperment but photo development limitations of THE TIMES.........

5. Weekend hook-up. She tried to talk me out of it but her voice was so sexy and it was Friday. Made her drive 50 miles. Her first words were 'I told you so."  Just nodded my head in amazement and agreement. Knocked over my draft while  greedily lunging  for the bread and appetizer. My friend Cheryl was present and never let me forget it. I had to remind Cheryl  how WE had met.

6.Rode  120 miles to a biker bar to meet Nicole who turned out to be the bartender and just trying to get more people to his "Turkey Shoot". Nice ride though!!

7. Divorcee. Told me not to worry during drinks. "You are gonna get lucky " were her exact words. She was right: the window in the rest room was just big enough to crawl out of.

8. At my friend Carol's house I was online chatting up some frisky co-ed 20  years younger than me. She said "hold on I'll call you~!"   Phone rang and immediately asked what she was wearing and answering alot of questions about Carol. Started to get dirty then realized I was talking to Carol's mother.

9. Knew this was going to be trouble when her screen name was "Ms. Havisham".

10.  Told me she just wanted to have a good time on her 40th. Turns out she meant shots of Jamison. What  r ya gonna do?