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Author: [The Archives] Topic: I'm About to Have Sex for the first time... I have some questions
picc818
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#26
Posted: 12/22/2007 11:24:03 PM
this is turning out to be a classic. this kid may be the first to admit he's a virgin to the forum. so cross that one off the list. now if we can get the guy who comes out of the closet and admits he's happy to us, and then the tranny who's a compulsive gambler, we've hit the trifecta.
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#27
Posted: 12/22/2007 11:25:55 PM
Don't ask anyone around here for advice (especially Jurassic as he likes dogs and cats).  Just make a thread addressed to me and I will deal with.

First off, sex does not feel like it should.  It feels pretty good, but not like top of the world good.  That is probably because I am no good at it.  I am a bull in a china shop when I don't have a plastic bag hanging out of my behind.  I don't even like wet vagina.  Dry vagina feel better than wet vagina.  If you start feeling like the Hellraiser movie and you think that the dry vagina has just dispatched hooks to rip off your penile skin, well, first off, you're right they are hooks.  And if that becomes too much, just apply a little spit.  No loogies necessary.

That whole paragraph is amazing, wonderful advice.  Here comes more.

Women do not like it when you juice on them.  Unless after you juice, you make it up by applying one dollar bills to the stains.  I do this in public restrooms all of the time with my victims.

Secondly, never french kiss a girl when having sex, especially on your first time.  This will cause your penis to explode like a clown cigar.  It might even explode back inside of you and if you're french-kissing, well, you might just yak some juice into her mouth.

Which leads me to my next point: DO NOT juice IN A GIRL'S MOUTH UNLESS SHE'S ASLEEP.  Not only will she not approve of cumming in her mouth while awake, it is also funnier to see her cough up some gnarly bubbles.

Never get into bondage.  It goes way too far.  It starts with simple tying up and ends with you going to work wearing assless chaps and telling everyone to call you "master."

And most importantly, on your first trip into a dry, vulnerable vagina, be sure to wear protection.  Like a ski mask.  It helps.

Good luck.
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#28
Posted: 12/22/2007 11:59:02 PM
I'll take under 20 seconds -110 for the max
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#29
Posted: 12/23/2007 12:07:31 AM
AHHH give the kid a break.
 
I give you props for admitting.
 
Guys, we could help make or break his first experience.
 
It feels pretty warm and you probably will have to feel like you will nut fairly soon. Just go slow, and if you have to stop, stop for a sec inside then continue. I lasted about 7 mins my first go at it, and i was pretty proud.
 
If the girl really likes you and what not, and you havebeen together for a while, just by letting her know you dont want to disappoint should be enough. Positions that do not favor you would be ones like doggystyle and to a degree missionary. Ones for longer lasting would be her on top.
 
What should you do? Who knows...see what she does..lots of girls go to the bathroom to wash. If its late at night you might end up going to bed. Play it by ear.
 
Hope this helps.
 
Also, if she hears your a virgin she might like that to be honest. Some chicks dig it, plus she will be less likely dissapointed if she knows this is your first go around!
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#30
Posted: 12/23/2007 12:09:54 AM
QUOTE Originally Posted by ChrisBosh:

Here's the deal...
I'm 19 years old and my girlfreind is 20. I am a virgin, she is not. I didn't tell her I was a virgin because I thaught it would jeopordize the relationship if she found out I was. The thing is I really really like her and she has asked me 3 times to have sex with her and I always make these bullshit excuses... We have done everything sexually expect sex, so I feel like its time for me to man up and do this thing
 
Anyway I have some questions I hope some guys here can answer. If you're gonna be an fool about this subject please don't respond.
 
A. What does it feel like?
B. What exactly should I do as to not disappoint
C. Everyone who Ive spoken about this keeps telling me I won't last 20 seconds... Is this true and if it is how can I prevent this
D. After it's over... what did you/should I do
 
Thanks in advance for the responses.

What kind of excuese do you make up to not sleep with a girl?  Do you tell her you're ragging like they tell us? 

Also, to answer your questions:

 

A.)  Havent you ever seen American Pie?  It feels like warm apple pie.

B.)  Unless you are packing 10 inches, you will disappoint.  Don't worry about her, sex is a selfish game and you play for yourself.  In the sports world it is the equivalent of Tennis, Golf, Bowling, or boxing.  

C.)  Rub one out before she comes over so you don't juice as fast.  Or think of your brother and or uncle going down on you so you don't get too happy and blow your wad before she even has a chance to get wet.

D.)  This is the most important.  Right before you feel like you are going to juice, punch her in the nose so she starts bleeding.  Then, pull out, whip off the rubber and juice all over her nose and mouth.  That is a little move called The Strawberry Shortcake.  You will thank me later you pulled this one off. 

 

Keep us posted. 

 

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#31
Posted: 12/23/2007 12:16:42 AM
 Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I can't believe what I'm reading.
 
If you are 19 and still have a cherry, chances are you are the biggest dork in the history of mankind.
 
If she has asked you to darn 3 times and you have refused, chances are you are
 
Here's and idea:  Take your last $150 and go to an oriental massage parlor, ask for a "happy ending" then take that experience home with you and when you finally have to balls to stick it to your woman, act like you know what you're doing.
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#32
Posted: 12/23/2007 12:26:00 AM
http://www.dirty-proverbs.com/classics.php
 
here you go buddy, give some of these slick moves a try. 
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#33
Posted: 12/23/2007 12:32:35 AM
have a couple beers before you bang her.  It will make you last longer and chill you out a bit.
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#34
Posted: 12/23/2007 12:38:12 AM
DruDowns & I are on the same page.  You turn the chick down for sex three times?  Sounds like a rainbow falg is waving around you
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#35
Posted: 12/23/2007 12:57:52 AM
Some solid advice, some funny advice ..
 
If you don't nail her soon -by new years , then she will find another guy who will darn her ..
 
Batter up
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#36
Posted: 12/23/2007 1:28:46 AM
QUOTE Originally Posted by dave9981$:

As others have already mentioned, if you do anal without a condom make sure she shits on the ept stick as soon as possible. Anal pregnancies are through the roof this year. There is no scientific evidence to prove it but being a Covers member makes the odds of this pregnancy occuring go up astronomically


friggin awesome
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#37
Posted: 12/23/2007 1:28:53 AM
D. Wipe your person on the curtains and order a pizza.
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#38
Posted: 12/23/2007 3:49:37 AM
Shitting on her chest, always sets the perfect mood.
 
Cleveland Steamers
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#39
Posted: 12/23/2007 4:05:03 AM
my friend there is a little move that i like to call the spider-man that is a must for these circumstances.  First you must bend her over and have your way with her in this position until you start to juice.  When you start to juice just reach down and catch every drop in your hand.  At this time you will do something that gets her to turn around and look at you.  When she turns around just turn your hand upside down point your wrist at the ceiling and fling your wadd right in to her face.  The last step is to just say SPIDER MAN as loud as you can.     
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#40
Posted: 12/23/2007 6:40:49 AM
Okay, here is what you do.  As you stand you make her eat your fool.  While doing that have her reach around and start jerking you off.  While eating your fool, have her blow hard but with her lips held closely together so her lips vibrate and make a sound as the air passes through it.  Then you say "yeah baby, now you're playing the rusty trombone"

Chick dig that
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#41
Posted: 12/23/2007 9:13:58 AM
If in the middle of it you have any more questions just excuse yourself and run to your computer because we are here to help.
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#42
Posted: 12/23/2007 9:29:52 AM
Just relax dude. Everything will work out fine.
 
Broc
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#43
Posted: 12/23/2007 9:58:16 AM
 Answer to " B"
 
Kiss her where it stinks
 
 
 
 
 
 
tomorrow start a thread titled,  " OK, I kissed her in New Jersey....now what ?"
 
More friends will help you then
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#44
Posted: 12/23/2007 10:01:50 AM
Not sure of this will be thread of the year, but by far it gets "Thread Title" of the year
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#45
Posted: 12/23/2007 10:26:09 AM
This thread is classic!!
 
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#46
Posted: 12/23/2007 11:08:58 AM
Try the bronco in drudowns post that garbage is great. Women around here love it.

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#47
Posted: 12/23/2007 11:22:42 AM
Holy garbage.  This is a good thread boys.  I had to wipe the tears away.  I read the donkey punch post to my wife.
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#48
Posted: 12/23/2007 11:26:29 AM
can you imagine if he tries all this garbage????
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#49
Posted: 12/23/2007 11:33:31 AM
I had sex last night, and I really hope my person doesn't fall off.

I hate that feeling, try not to ever get to this point...




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#50
Posted: 12/23/2007 12:21:52 PM
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