I've posted this in a more proper forum but also wish to bring it up to discussion among those who have gone through this. Technically I am Not married, been together 7 years, the last 2 engaged and had been planning for a small wedding. We have 2 children together and I have raised her child as my own as we'll.
there has not been infidelity, money bantering, domestic violence or some other serious issue.
Which makes this such a confusing time as we have drifted so far apart that it seems like all is broken. She does drink heavily and in the last 2 years she has got a DUI, wrecked a car, and has blown up at me with verbal assaults on more than a handful of occasions. Tried counseling and even though when sober she is a good and responsible woman, she has also lost her sex drive, which you can imagine leads to arguments.
I'm extremely confused and lost as I write this just kind of want to see if others have had some similar issues or care to comment. Or if it's another buried topic that's okay too. Life sucks right now.
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To remove first post, remove entire topic.
I've posted this in a more proper forum but also wish to bring it up to discussion among those who have gone through this. Technically I am Not married, been together 7 years, the last 2 engaged and had been planning for a small wedding. We have 2 children together and I have raised her child as my own as we'll.
there has not been infidelity, money bantering, domestic violence or some other serious issue.
Which makes this such a confusing time as we have drifted so far apart that it seems like all is broken. She does drink heavily and in the last 2 years she has got a DUI, wrecked a car, and has blown up at me with verbal assaults on more than a handful of occasions. Tried counseling and even though when sober she is a good and responsible woman, she has also lost her sex drive, which you can imagine leads to arguments.
I'm extremely confused and lost as I write this just kind of want to see if others have had some similar issues or care to comment. Or if it's another buried topic that's okay too. Life sucks right now.
Yes......many here have been through similar shitt........keep your wits about you....seriously. Do NOT fall in love with the idea that "someday this shitt will all work itself out".
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Yes......many here have been through similar shitt........keep your wits about you....seriously. Do NOT fall in love with the idea that "someday this shitt will all work itself out".
bizkilla: Sorry to hear about this bro. Been there done that. The soundest advise I can offer... DO NOT ARGUE. Even if you know you are right. Argument is an escalation to places you do not (trust me) want to go. Keep cool. Think about the kids. ALWAYS about the kids. Impossible as it may seem, you WILL get through this. Just keep your composure and you will be fine.
~~~~~ZOSO~~~~~
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bizkilla: Sorry to hear about this bro. Been there done that. The soundest advise I can offer... DO NOT ARGUE. Even if you know you are right. Argument is an escalation to places you do not (trust me) want to go. Keep cool. Think about the kids. ALWAYS about the kids. Impossible as it may seem, you WILL get through this. Just keep your composure and you will be fine.
I would confront her about her drinking and how it makes you feel. If she feels like she needs to escape, tell her how that makes you feel and how unfair that is. I wouldn't give threats or ultimatums, but I'd suggest that she change her behavior if the relationship is to survive. To further your efforts, you should ask her what you can do/change to improve the situation and be a better partner.
And if it doesn't work out, there are still lots of strong women out there.
Best of luck
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Dang, that's a tough one brother.
I would confront her about her drinking and how it makes you feel. If she feels like she needs to escape, tell her how that makes you feel and how unfair that is. I wouldn't give threats or ultimatums, but I'd suggest that she change her behavior if the relationship is to survive. To further your efforts, you should ask her what you can do/change to improve the situation and be a better partner.
And if it doesn't work out, there are still lots of strong women out there.
First off, I very much appreciate the comments and reserved judgement. This is a wonderful community and I enjoy our conversations particularly in the general discussion forum. Much appreciated fellas.
I wrote this before a lengthy talk last night that lasted hours and had both tears and laughter. During one of our initial marriage counseling sessions the doc said "I notice u have a general affection and fondness for one another and that's a positive sign." Following solo and together sessions she revealed to doctor a particular trauma that involved sexual abuse as a child. And that he would like to work with her and see us together every 3rd session or so. After about 6 total sessions that is where we stand on that avenue.
For me it's difficult to digest how all of a sudden that's an issue. How the most sexually energized woman I've been with is turned off. Why she has blown up on me while drunk on a handful of occasions. I'm talking some horrible stuff here. Why does she binge drink daily. I want to tough it out and find a resolution but have dedicated months now without progress. Her answer to me is "I'm just shutdown. I try and avoid reality." Then she tells me she loves me. All that is above anything are the children and I think we are parallel there and that's why I feel last nights talk was progressive. But am just so lost on how things have got so bad. Or is this just part of the journey. Most people throw in the towel and go thru the divorce but quitting is just not in my makeup. It's an extremely confusing time.
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First off, I very much appreciate the comments and reserved judgement. This is a wonderful community and I enjoy our conversations particularly in the general discussion forum. Much appreciated fellas.
I wrote this before a lengthy talk last night that lasted hours and had both tears and laughter. During one of our initial marriage counseling sessions the doc said "I notice u have a general affection and fondness for one another and that's a positive sign." Following solo and together sessions she revealed to doctor a particular trauma that involved sexual abuse as a child. And that he would like to work with her and see us together every 3rd session or so. After about 6 total sessions that is where we stand on that avenue.
For me it's difficult to digest how all of a sudden that's an issue. How the most sexually energized woman I've been with is turned off. Why she has blown up on me while drunk on a handful of occasions. I'm talking some horrible stuff here. Why does she binge drink daily. I want to tough it out and find a resolution but have dedicated months now without progress. Her answer to me is "I'm just shutdown. I try and avoid reality." Then she tells me she loves me. All that is above anything are the children and I think we are parallel there and that's why I feel last nights talk was progressive. But am just so lost on how things have got so bad. Or is this just part of the journey. Most people throw in the towel and go thru the divorce but quitting is just not in my makeup. It's an extremely confusing time.
Been in relationships with women that were sexually abused as children and it just never works. My heart bleeds for them and we do all we can do to help but some things are just way over our heads. They tend to be bipolar, unpredictable, violent, and suffer from multiple personality.
Sounds like you've been trying like hell and doing the right thing. Hope it works out for ya.
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Been in relationships with women that were sexually abused as children and it just never works. My heart bleeds for them and we do all we can do to help but some things are just way over our heads. They tend to be bipolar, unpredictable, violent, and suffer from multiple personality.
Sounds like you've been trying like hell and doing the right thing. Hope it works out for ya.
biz, I feel for you. I married an alcoholic (caution: I am NOT saying your wife IS), I do think that it is effecting her, however.
The good news is-it appears your both at least trying.
I don't know how women think. Who does? After all she had been through, somehow, she went from
"I love lots of sex with biz!"
"I am going to marry biz!"
"I am going to have kids with biz!"
"I am now going to start drinking................."
My wife wrecked our $35,000 Saab 9-3 (damn nice car back in 2005), went through rehab, got her job back, caught drinking at work, fired, rehab again...............blew it again. Fool me once (I never knew), second time............I'm gone. We have no chance of ever getting back together. I still drink. And we decided that if being away from me will keep her sober, that's just the way it has to be
She'll be sober 4 years in July.
I pray this doesn't happen to you and your wife. It has not been fun. And we never had kids. I cannot imagine talking to your children about Mommy being "sick"....................
I hope it doesn't come to that.
I'd tell you Good Luck, but there are some hard choices coming up, and you will need more than luck to get through this. Help yourself first. That's where you started from................
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biz, I feel for you. I married an alcoholic (caution: I am NOT saying your wife IS), I do think that it is effecting her, however.
The good news is-it appears your both at least trying.
I don't know how women think. Who does? After all she had been through, somehow, she went from
"I love lots of sex with biz!"
"I am going to marry biz!"
"I am going to have kids with biz!"
"I am now going to start drinking................."
My wife wrecked our $35,000 Saab 9-3 (damn nice car back in 2005), went through rehab, got her job back, caught drinking at work, fired, rehab again...............blew it again. Fool me once (I never knew), second time............I'm gone. We have no chance of ever getting back together. I still drink. And we decided that if being away from me will keep her sober, that's just the way it has to be
She'll be sober 4 years in July.
I pray this doesn't happen to you and your wife. It has not been fun. And we never had kids. I cannot imagine talking to your children about Mommy being "sick"....................
I hope it doesn't come to that.
I'd tell you Good Luck, but there are some hard choices coming up, and you will need more than luck to get through this. Help yourself first. That's where you started from................
Been in relationships with women that were sexually abused as children and it just never works. My heart bleeds for them and we do all we can do to help but some things are just way over our heads. They tend to be bipolar, unpredictable, violent, and suffer from multiple personality.
Sounds like you've been trying like hell and doing the right thing. Hope it works out for ya.
God, ain't that the truth. We want to fix them so bad but often times there is this insatiable emptiness.
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Quote Originally Posted by searchwarrant:
Been in relationships with women that were sexually abused as children and it just never works. My heart bleeds for them and we do all we can do to help but some things are just way over our heads. They tend to be bipolar, unpredictable, violent, and suffer from multiple personality.
Sounds like you've been trying like hell and doing the right thing. Hope it works out for ya.
God, ain't that the truth. We want to fix them so bad but often times there is this insatiable emptiness.
Appreciate it all guys thanks again. Taking things day by day. Kids way too young to understand. Tomorrow we're going to do family day if weather permits beach, relax, park later for some sport. My kids are getting into soccer so well do that. Day by day right now. Thanks again it's meant a whole lot from your kind and sympathetic commentary on this most sensitive of subjects.
As a gambler I've always relied on a little luck along the way and sure could use some now.
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Appreciate it all guys thanks again. Taking things day by day. Kids way too young to understand. Tomorrow we're going to do family day if weather permits beach, relax, park later for some sport. My kids are getting into soccer so well do that. Day by day right now. Thanks again it's meant a whole lot from your kind and sympathetic commentary on this most sensitive of subjects.
As a gambler I've always relied on a little luck along the way and sure could use some now.
Damn, dude...the kids come first. Gotta hang in there if you can. If her booze thing can't get better...that's an issue. I'd guess that's the first thing that's gotta go. If it doesn't, then nothing will work. Ain't gonna happen.
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Damn, dude...the kids come first. Gotta hang in there if you can. If her booze thing can't get better...that's an issue. I'd guess that's the first thing that's gotta go. If it doesn't, then nothing will work. Ain't gonna happen.
I feel for u and being with someone who has a drinking problem while sucks is fixable.There are drugs she can take for sex drive.I would get her to go to church with u and as ridiculous as it may sound I would join a health club together and take group fitness classes together.I promise she will feel better about herself and it would up her sex drive.Most of all the classes are for all fitness levels and she can sweat that shz out.I grew up w 3 women( dad killed by drink driver when I was 5) and I have 6 females at home 62,39,6,2,3mo,3mo and used to manage ladies only health clubs for years and train their best managers.Communication is so HUGE..being sweet,patient and understanding.BTW,I'm heterosexual but have many women friends.If she is the type that shakes in morn for alcohol u have to get her checked in.Help her get a hobby..gardening ,cooking,fitness and church will help.I wouldn't abandon her unless she was scrrwing someone else and she isn't..AA meetings will allow her to talk to someone else.This is very serious and u have to be proactive and help her IMO.I've made huge sacrifices for my life so my sis can have one with her kids. It's frustrating but it also feels good being selfless hero.Wish u all the best.
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I feel for u and being with someone who has a drinking problem while sucks is fixable.There are drugs she can take for sex drive.I would get her to go to church with u and as ridiculous as it may sound I would join a health club together and take group fitness classes together.I promise she will feel better about herself and it would up her sex drive.Most of all the classes are for all fitness levels and she can sweat that shz out.I grew up w 3 women( dad killed by drink driver when I was 5) and I have 6 females at home 62,39,6,2,3mo,3mo and used to manage ladies only health clubs for years and train their best managers.Communication is so HUGE..being sweet,patient and understanding.BTW,I'm heterosexual but have many women friends.If she is the type that shakes in morn for alcohol u have to get her checked in.Help her get a hobby..gardening ,cooking,fitness and church will help.I wouldn't abandon her unless she was scrrwing someone else and she isn't..AA meetings will allow her to talk to someone else.This is very serious and u have to be proactive and help her IMO.I've made huge sacrifices for my life so my sis can have one with her kids. It's frustrating but it also feels good being selfless hero.Wish u all the best.
I'm not married and never have been. However, I have seen enough to know that alcohol can cause a plethora of problems and is literally good for nothing. I am young but have seen it ruin lives and a few years ago in my life---it added unnecessary amounts of crappiness. Just my 2 cents buddy. BOL to you and your lady.
But seriously---no one can think clearly when their body is tainted with alcohol.
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biz,
I'm not married and never have been. However, I have seen enough to know that alcohol can cause a plethora of problems and is literally good for nothing. I am young but have seen it ruin lives and a few years ago in my life---it added unnecessary amounts of crappiness. Just my 2 cents buddy. BOL to you and your lady.
But seriously---no one can think clearly when their body is tainted with alcohol.
Sound advice so far. I would add that you need to analyze her and find out what she does that makes her happy and get her more involved with that (with some of those moments having you involved). Slow but steady.
So this part may upset you, but I don't believe the childhood issue is the reason for her behavior right now. I have been with girls who have gone through this and witnessed couples who have gone through this. In my opinion, something recent has happened that has caused this behavior to either trigger the past or cause something new. I do believe she has gone through trauma as a child, but my point is I don't believe it's what's affecting her today.
If I'm wrong (good chance I could be), remember a relationship is 50/50. There are times where you take the lion share of the responsibility to support your girl, but this can't be maintained. It can't be maintained, b/c she would appreciate it long term, but rather it will become a habit/expectation and you will find yourself feeling empty because you're giving too much.
I would try what I first suggested about putting her in a positive environment, a new hobby, more involved in a hobby, take her on more dates, etc. If you don't see a change, then she doesn't want the change and at the end of the day you may learn (again guessing), that she indeed loves you, but has forgotten how to be in love with you. I know my girl and I have date night every week, just her and I, casual, fun, relaxing.
Good luck...wishing you all the best.
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Sound advice so far. I would add that you need to analyze her and find out what she does that makes her happy and get her more involved with that (with some of those moments having you involved). Slow but steady.
So this part may upset you, but I don't believe the childhood issue is the reason for her behavior right now. I have been with girls who have gone through this and witnessed couples who have gone through this. In my opinion, something recent has happened that has caused this behavior to either trigger the past or cause something new. I do believe she has gone through trauma as a child, but my point is I don't believe it's what's affecting her today.
If I'm wrong (good chance I could be), remember a relationship is 50/50. There are times where you take the lion share of the responsibility to support your girl, but this can't be maintained. It can't be maintained, b/c she would appreciate it long term, but rather it will become a habit/expectation and you will find yourself feeling empty because you're giving too much.
I would try what I first suggested about putting her in a positive environment, a new hobby, more involved in a hobby, take her on more dates, etc. If you don't see a change, then she doesn't want the change and at the end of the day you may learn (again guessing), that she indeed loves you, but has forgotten how to be in love with you. I know my girl and I have date night every week, just her and I, casual, fun, relaxing.
I dated a gal that worked for my step dad and best hooters I've ever seen, but when she drank or took xanaxes...She kicked my windshield in, wrecked my car.stole my set of keys that coated me hundreds, would blow her money&accuse me of stealing money out of her purse, call my my mother and sis cussing them,tried to fight my friends, would call my buddy's GF s making up shz.Literally had to get away from her because I was afraid I go to jail for losing my temper on her.I come home after a long day at work then have me drive across town to get her pills.I wondered how such a goodlooking girl was on market...I literally moved to Tallahassee just to get away from her.I got the girl her own apt a week after I know her.Her neighbors moved because they couldn't stand her.I ended up looking back at the times we spent together and about 10% of time was good.I do my recreation & get a tad of oil for my engine,but will not date a chic that has alcohol probs,drug probs or even recovering.No how No way..but I'm not married or have kids with her.My advice is to you is to go to church yourself then take her..like Hutch en said go to some support groups.Be patient, talk soft to her& if u think she doesn't love u after church maybe it's time u move on.
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I dated a gal that worked for my step dad and best hooters I've ever seen, but when she drank or took xanaxes...She kicked my windshield in, wrecked my car.stole my set of keys that coated me hundreds, would blow her money&accuse me of stealing money out of her purse, call my my mother and sis cussing them,tried to fight my friends, would call my buddy's GF s making up shz.Literally had to get away from her because I was afraid I go to jail for losing my temper on her.I come home after a long day at work then have me drive across town to get her pills.I wondered how such a goodlooking girl was on market...I literally moved to Tallahassee just to get away from her.I got the girl her own apt a week after I know her.Her neighbors moved because they couldn't stand her.I ended up looking back at the times we spent together and about 10% of time was good.I do my recreation & get a tad of oil for my engine,but will not date a chic that has alcohol probs,drug probs or even recovering.No how No way..but I'm not married or have kids with her.My advice is to you is to go to church yourself then take her..like Hutch en said go to some support groups.Be patient, talk soft to her& if u think she doesn't love u after church maybe it's time u move on.
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