This website has me in tears.

I was turned onto this site by a fellow Baptist.  I've spent a lot of time the last three months soul searching(which I will explain later), and I think the collective strength of this site can get me on the path to making things right with Jesus.

I do not want to bore you with my life story, so I will try to keep this as short as possible while explaining just where I am.  If anyone has any questions after reading, I will be glad to go more "in-depth".

Once upon a time, I was a happy child.  I went to school with a smile, and never missed Church on Sundays.  I think being so loyal to God my first 15 years is what made me so bitter to Him after a series of unfortunate events changed me.  I now realize my mistakes, but for many years I scorned the Good Lord.

It started in the summer of 94.  A new neighbor became buddy-buddy with me.  My family and I trusted him like good neighbors were supposed to.  That's where we were wrong though.  He turned out to be Satan in disguise.  One night, he invited me over to his house.  He offered me a Pepsi, and that's all I remembered until I woke up the next day in the woods about five miles from home.  Oh Lord, even 15 years later and it still makes me shake typing these words.

Let's just say that I was beaten and violated in ways that are inhuman.  Although DNA investigating was in its "infancy" stages back in the mid-90's, police were able to extract some of his DNA from my "hindside" and he was convicted for the drugging and molesting of me and sentenced to 22 years(he is actually up for parole in January of 2010).

As you can imagine, one 12 hour period in my life forever changed me.  To the naked eye, I was okay.  I kept to myself a whole lot more, but I managed to finish HS, graduate college, and even continue going to Church once or twice a week.

But I SCORNED God.  I blamed Him for my situation.  I cursed him for doing this to me when I gave my soul to him since Kindergarden.  As I got older, my heart turned colder.  I no longer went to Church.  At night, I would make the sign of the cross and vile disgusting bile would spew from my lips towards God.

I could write a book on how the last 8 or 9 years of my life just spiraled downward, but I will keep it to quick "bullets" just to give you a taste. 

-  In college I was lucky enough(or so I thought) to have a female roommate.  Under the "excuse" of alcohol, marijuana, and some of the most disgusting pornography to be filmed, my roommate and I partook in days and days of the most heinous sexual acts.

-  Not only my roommate by DOZENS of pre-marital sex partners where there was no love involved.  It was hard, dirty, cold SEX where I did my best to "punish" my partners for what was done to me back in 1994.

-  My scorn for God was there all throughout those dark years and I shudder to think of the venom I spat to him each night under the guise of praying.

-  My alcohol consumption led to a possible hit and run by myself.  After a bottle of Jack Daniel's(my nightly snack back around 1999-2000), I was joyriding when I think I hit a girl.  I rushed home and washed blood and chunks of hair off my car.  I even returned to the scene of the crime, but there was nothing.  I scoured the papers for months and never saw a blurb about it.  For all I know, it could have been a drunken dream.  Either way, that was the end of my drinking and I've come to believe that God helped me SOMEHOW.  Whether he put that dream in my head, or he put that girl in that road and got her home safely.

-  I became a guy who swerved TOWARDS animals when I would see them in the road.  Squirrels, person, cats, and even a couple small dogs I went over the curb to get in my time.

-  I used the Internet as a means to spread ill will to anyone who would listen.  Only God knows how many young minds were influenced by the horrible things I preached.  Whether it was cussing God, or teaching people how to properly mix drugs, or to how to create a pipe bomb, I used the "net" in the most negative of ways.

-  As God blessed me with striking good looks(even with the immense mental and physical stress I built up), I prostituted my body to any woman that would pay.  The early days it was for booze, but after my parents finally had enough and kicked me out of my house around late 2001, it was for shelter, food, or any drug that would dull my pain.  Whether it was pills, pot, crack, or Nyquil.  Through the 100's of partners I had, I shudder to think of the damage I could have caused if I had an STD or something like the HIV.  Thank the good Lord that throughout it all, I am CLEAN!

-  The drug use was legendary.  It started with booze and pot(mostly booze).  Then I started forging doctor's scripts for things like Valium because it made me feel almost "normal."  Somewhere along the line, I found I had an allergic reaction to Valium, so I went to any pill I could to fill the void.  Nothing really did, and things like Vicodin and Oxycontin consumed my life to where I would borrow, beg, steal, or prostitute myself to stay high.