Posted: 12/18/2012 8:45:30 PM
Listen, I don't care who you are, getting your gambling behind beatdown from time to time simply calls for more action. You simply cannot stop from moving forward and these are some of the things I've either done or bore close witness to in order to sooth my near empty wallet and self pity.
Ok, let's state the obvious, "get drunk" that is, if you weren't already. This is critical because it leads to so many other avenues of wanton destruction. More options!
Keep in mind, these are in no particular order, each individual gambler must choose his own punishment wisely, believe me, by morning, that's exactly what it will be.
1) Gamble some more. Look, if you don't have an offshore account where you can lose the rest of your money in the casino, go to the local bar. Every bar has a pool table, dart board, some of 'em even have those punching bags, you know, like at the state fair. I highly recommend this particular item. You can safely take out your frustrations, lose the rest of your money to some little guy from Vermont you outweigh by 50 pounds, and feel good about it. Plus you're so friggin' wore out from attempting to KO a bag, who by the way did absolutely nothing to you, you can't hurt anyone or anything else, anymore. Not that you really could to begin with.
2) Fight, this is a very popular option as well. My suggestion is when the "beer muscles" kick in, think small. That guy across the bar in the hated ''Florida State" jersey (how much did you lose on them?) and his amigo checking in at a combined weight of 580 pounds, do not meet the recommended criteria. Peruse the bar and go for the little guy in the Vermont jersey, you didn't lose anything on them. Remember though, if you happen to lose to the Vermont guy, you can never, ever go back to the same bar. Ever.
Still on the subject of "fighting," many of you now broke, drunk morons will opt to fight your chief nemesis, the "Ol lady." Man, if I had free bet every time that happened. This, for you inexperienced gamblers/lovers, you can never win. So many things can go wrong here. First of all, you may actually lose the fight. Face it, you're wasted and she's pissed because your dumb, drunk behind told her you lost the rent money on the Packers game! And then you have the audacity to tell her it wasn't your fault. These *&%$# replacement refs blew the call and you should have won. Not my fault at all baby, it was a bad call! And then you wake up. Not in bed. Not on the couch. You're on the damn floor you idiot, next to some red covered tissues she tried to clean up your bloody nose with. Word.
3) Sex, finally, something I'll enjoy. Yea, if your drunk behind can get it up. This is hit or miss to the male species out there, you know it. If you're on, your 'ol lady will think your the second coming coming (it's a joke grammarians) of John Holmes you 'ol brut you. But if you're off, you could have as much shrinkage as your bank account. That's alot for a man to endure in 1 day. You may have to move to another state if this dreadful double whammy hits you the same day. Counselling is always available, 24/7, look in the "yellow pages" under ''Escort Services". Oh I forgot, you lost all your money gambling. Anybody got a beer?