Do not call him Subway!

Have you ever seen a grown man hit another man in the face with a Subway footlong? If you have not, you are missing out on some funny shit!

To explain how this happened I must take you back about 6 months to a small social gathering we had at our place one night. A friend of the family came by that night to drink beer with us. That was the first night I met this guy whose name is Jared. I was told by my family members that I would like Jared because he is funny and when he drinks he can get funnier. I met Jared and he seemed like an alright dude and actually was pretty funny. I had heard a few stories about him doing crazy things but that applies to anyone if pushed correctly.

Late into that night of that party. A dude who my cousin is friends with comes by to hang out. I did not know this dude either. I had heard about him and I got another snapshot of Brad again as I was briefed on dudes past. Keep in mind the ages here of the guys are 25 to 30. This guy Brad I was told has issues with his childhood and can’t let it go. His problem is that he has gotten his ass kicked physically by virtually everyone in his hometown growing up.

Brad is an intellectually smart dude who does not get it socially it seems like to me from the details of what happens. All of the stories involve Brad being around others in groups and Brad gets knocked out by somebody after he talks too much. The problem with Brad I am told is he has grown up with some mentally unstable issues like being bi-polar and shit. He got on drugs/drinking heavy early on and it never helped him not stand out for being weird, it made it worse. So this Brad guy fell off the face of the earth from all of his local social circles for 7-8 years after high school and he just re-surfaced and is supposed to be a whole new man.

I heard all the outlandish stories about Brad being a jack-ass in the past but I could care less about that stuff. I met the dude and he seemed to be a fairly normal dude at first. I do not have anything against Brad whatsoever, he has never done anything around me that was worthy of getting mad over. I will say I did notice right off the bat he talks about the gym, his training, and talked about fighting and executing MMA moves. I noticed that because nobody else is ever talking about fighting or anything close to it….LOL.

One of my buddies is actually responsible for Brad’s new life devotion to training in MMA and working out to strive to become a pro fighter. My buddy gave Brad a beat down one night while they were all drinking. After that incident from what I am told, Brad has done nothing but lift weights and talk about fight training. Brad confronted my friend and challenged him to a rematch about 6 months after that and my buddy laughed.

I personally would like to see this dude succeed and make some money at fighting just because I know he has the drive, I can tell. He just has to win locally before he can expand.

The last time before this when I hung out with Brad, he was drinking vodka and does he not hold his liquor very well. Within the first hour of hanging out with Brad, he had described in detail to all 7-8 of us in the room when we were not asking. Brad gave us the exact physical details of how he dealt with 3 different grown men recently during arguments. All of which resulted in Brad standing in front of us and acting out what he did as he told the story of the ass whoopins he delivered! He was going into such detail he was explaining to us moves like guillotines, arm bars, and advanced choke holds he dominated with. In the middle of one of Brad’s ass whoop stories. I had to make a joke telling him I was impressed by his moves and he was like Ryu on Streetfighter with all those combos…

The funny thing about all these new ass whoopins Brad is delivering is the facts of what happened to Brad on his prior visit.

Back to the night I met Jared and Brad. Brad got to the house and I could tell he was making an effort to fit in. Brad brought some girl and introduced her as his girlfriend, he was trying to impress her for sure while hanging with us. Myself along with others hanging out usually have funny strange things to add in conversations in our own unique way. One may say something funny then I have a comeback even more extreme than the one before and we go back and forth with it. Brad was really wanting to add jokes but he does not have the knack for humor that some of us have. So when Brad would try to 1-up a funny comment, it would usually end with an awkward silence. Then we would just move along after laughing at the awkward silence.

But for some reason after Brad was getting a buzz, he thought it would be funny to call Jared “Subway”. It really was not funny and Jared could not have handled it any better. He kept telling Brad in a very respectful calm manner even though we all were  drunk as hell……”Ha ha, man my name is Jared bro and I would appreciate it if you would call me by my name”. Brad would just chuckle and say, “ok Subway…..Whatever you say”! Jared gave him that warning about 5 times.

On the 6th time. Brad responds and before he could even finish pronouncing Subway. Jared rocked Brads jaw with a right hook out of nowhere! It truly was a Friday moment when Smokey comes running in and yells “you got knocked the fuck out!”

Brad hits the ground right next to his girlfriend standing there. From the ground Brad was looking up holding his jaw as he shrieked in a high-pitched voice…”Why did you hit me man?” Jared responded by saying, “I asked you nicely to not call me Subway! Next time I am gonna fuck your ugly ass girlfriend after I beat the shit out of you!” Brads response I could not believe was simply…..”I am sorry man!” as he had tears in his eyes.  Jared said just do not let it happen again. Then Brad left with his girlfriend

That was funny to us how Brad reacted now that he has been a fight training machine. I personally expected more from Brad. His response in the days following that Subway event was that he did not want to use his training to hurt others in real life. He believed that since he has been trained on how to kill a man, that can be used against him in court. Give me a break but that is what he said for real.

So that brings us to this prior weekend. We had a get together like we always do here and of course booze was flowing aplenty. Jared was here already and Brad called my cousin and said he was on the way if we did not mind? He came with his new gal and wanted a cool place to drink. She said sure she did not mind and hung up the phone. Jared was not in the room and on the spot we came up with a funny plan. We asked her to call Brad back and ask him if he would not mind picking up some food for a friend at the house. She tells him they want a footlong meatball sub from Subway. No problem he says.

Brad walks in with his new gal and sandwich in hand. Keep in mind Brad has not been back to our house since the knock down punch that night. He is making his way though our living room of about 10 people and asks who ordered the sub? We told him Jared as we were pointing at him. Brad like a dumb ass takes another 4-5 steps to hand it to Jared who has no clue we put Brad up to this.

Jared accepts the sandwich in confusion, thinks for about 1.4 seconds. Holding that clear plastic Subway sack with the footlong in the end. As hard as you can hit a man in the face with a sandwich, Jared clocks Brad in the cheek with his new footlong and says nothing.

Brad ducked his tail between his legs and grabs his gal and said he is never coming back here again as they bolted towards the door!!!!!

That is funny to me. A grown man who is obsessed with proving himself physically to others. And when you are around these guys, they do not notice how all they talk about is all of their insecurities by talking about working out, getting big, supplement info, and kicking ass when nobody ever brings that type of shit up. Give us a break.

 With all of the boozing going on,I know that that footlong did not go to waste.

So who was it that ended up eating the pulverized meatball sub? 

hilarious

Salty