Here's something I wrote to my Leaf-fan friends before Thursday's season opener. You might not get all the references as some have to do with the town of Whistler where I live (in BC). Enjoy!
It is my great pleasure to deliver this rant to you all. While you're
probably sucking off your fellow Leafs fans right now and pouring Blue
all over each other, I trust you'll get this message eventually.
While
the Canucks also have no chance this year, it makes me feel better to
know that the Leafs will miss the playoffs for a fourth straight year
and probably fail to get even 70 points. Led by key offseason
acquisition Jeff Finger, the Leafs will specialize in taking early
leads and then losing 6-5. Do they play defence at all in the East, or
just not in Toronto? I'm tired of hearing about the "glory days and
Dave Keon." C'mon, MOST of you guys weren't even born in 1967 or
whenever it was. Sure the Canucks haven't won either, but we've been to
more finals since your last win and did it without your ridiculous team
salary.
Here's a few key dates to mark on your Wendel Clark
Shopper's Drug Mart calendars you've been saving in your parents
basement since 1987:
Nov 15 - Leafs visit Vancouver. Canucks
take the game by a score of 3-2 (the same score in all their games).
Jeff Finger goes -3 as the "shut down pairing" vs the retarded Sedin
twins as Finger is confused by their endless cycling. Finger's excuse
"c'mon, I'm only Jeff Finger, not fucking Luke Schenn". After a team
retreat to Whistler following the game, half the Leafs players decide
to permanently re-locate, preferring the mountainous terrain and nice
people to their cottages exactly 1 hr outside of Toronto. Tapley's
hosts a celebration party for the new residents.
Feb 21 -
Canucks visit the "ACC". Thousands of fans show up early and wait
outside in -20 temperatures (typical February TO weather) to heckle the
Canucks bus on arrival. The goatee wearing, Blue drinking (note: second
Blue reference), pink slip possessing from their former jobs at the
Oshawa Dodge plant crowd shouts such clever insults as "Sergei Berezin
was better than Pavel Bure ever was" and "Wade Belak: defence, forward,
albino... why'd we ever trade that guy?" and "the Sedin twins are so
gay, they make Jiri Tlusty look like Brad Pitt". Well to be fair they
were only wrong about the first two comments. Leafs lose the game 5-3
after taking an early 3-1 lead on Canuck backup goalie Curtis Sanford,
showing the true strength of their defence. Dejected fans head home on
the 401 and talk about their chance next season at ending the now 5
season losing streak against those "damn Canucks from that much more
attractive city of Vancouver". To get over there sorrows, they fellate
each other for the entire 1 hr drive home to (insert shitty Ontario
town name here).
March 14 - with 14 games left, the Leafs find
themselves a full 16 points out of the playoff picture (again). The
solution? JS Aubin, earlier cut by all NHL teams and now playing with a
roller hockey team in Italy is re-acquired and handed the starting job.
The team goes 11-4-1 in their final games to finish 3 points out of 8th
in the Eastern Conference (where it only takes 83 points to get in the
playoffs). Leaf fans rejoice at this late "push" and brag to Canuck
fans that they "were only 2 points behind them in the standings",
forgetting that they lost both games to them, effectively costing them
a shot at the playoffs. Leaf fans counter this true fact with a "So!"
and a long stroke of their ugly goatees.
May 24 - Ontario-ites
are shocked by the breaking news story in the Toronto Sun linking
former CBC Broadcaster and Leaf-lover Bob Cole with Yuri Tlusty. An
alleged video pulled from Facebook show Cole, dressed as a Sedin twin,
giving it to Tlusty from behind and shouting "SUNDIN scores, SUNDIN
scores!" while Yuri sucks off Greg Millen. Millen is not lambasted in
the press for his actions, as everyone agrees "there's nothing gay
about having your dick sucked". Tlusty addresses the public, wearing a
semen stained Wendel Clark jersey (which no one seems to find odd) and
tries to deflect the negative attention by calling out the Sedin twins
as "closest brother fuckers". No one, including the visiting West Coast
press, seems to disagree.
June 22 - By virtue of this late
season push, the Leafs lose out on their chance to draft teen-phenom
Jonathan Tavares, who ends up with Carolina. Leafs management files an
official protest with the NHL, claiming that "any team playing in the
centre (note the Canadian spelling) of the universe (self professed)
should have the eternal option to draft any player they like,
regardless whether they've been selected or not". The league briefly
considers the request (out of pity) but ultimately rejects it claiming
humanitarian consideration for any young player forced to play in TO
and be subject to their fans. Off the Record does a feature show
discussing the ruling, with (goatee wearing) Kevin from Glen Abbey, two
random black dudes, and former Leaf great Nikolai Borchevsky. The panel
disagrees on a bunch of lame, Toronto-centric topics then agrees to
fellate each other in celebration of their Leaf fandom. Michael
Landsberg specifically requests one of the black dicks.
July 1 -
In the opening hours of summer free agency, the Leafs, led by newly
appointed GM Rick "The Temp" Campanelli (who received the job after an
online poll on ET Canada's website), sign both Sedin brothers to
10-year, $10 million/year deals. In a corresponding cost cutting move,
Jeff Finger is bought out for $3.5 mil/year and takes his chances with
a 2-way contract with Division III Frolunda in Finland. Vancouver fans
rejoice the Sedins parting, but feel bad for their Canadian
counterparts in Onterrible having to endure 10 years of frustrating
cycle traps. The solution is to send aid packages to the "have-not"
province which includes soap, toothbrushes, facial hair trimmers, and
gas masks (for the smog... and smell of other Ontario-ites).
Whew....
I'm exausted. I missed adding in some Tragically Hip amd "Cottage
Country" references, but I'm pretty sure you all got the idea.
Fuck yourselves Leafs fans!