Sarah J. Phillips: Just one of the boys

“CM Punk isn’t the name of a rock band, Sarah.”

It’s always a challenge for me to participate in conversations when I hang out with the boys, especially when they expect me to be “one of the guys” since I bet on sports.

People tend to forget that I spend my spare time getting pampered at the local spa. I watch TV shows like The Jersey Shore, movies like The Notebook, and listen to Lady Gaga’s music. In the big scheme of things, I’m a girlie girl. I haven’t found many sports bettors with similar interests.

Since I assume no one wants to read about how I get manicures and pedicures while checking up on my bets, I decided to step into the world of the male sports bettor, through the recommendations of a friend of mine, in order to connect better with readers.

It all began when I was befuddled during a conversation about Faye Reagan while watching the homerun derby. When I hear the name “Faye,” I think of an old woman. When I hear the name “Reagan,” I think of the former U.S. President. So, trying to decipher the code without asking, I assumed my friends were talking about an old, female politician? Hardly.

I Googled Faye Reagan and, to my surprise (but then again, to no surprise at all), she’s a pornstar. I can handle most male-dominated hobbies, but the whole constant watching of porn routine won’t be added to my daily checklist any time soon. I indulged in the behavior for the sake of the experiment, but after a few minutes of terrible acting, I turned away. I had to bail on it faster than major leaguers from the Midsummer Classic.

According to my friend, when he places wagers online, he also watches porn. This is a very twisted example of Pavlov's theory on behavior. He claims, “Whenever I get on the computer to place my bets, I may as well watch a little girl-on-girl. I’m superstitious like that.” I seriously have to question whether he knows what a superstition is.

The homerun derby continued and my long-shot pick, Matt Kemp, burned my ticket in Round 1. I would usually reach for something sweet in this situation and ease my pain with a little Rocky Road. Not today though, that’s too girlie.

My friend lined up his pain relievers, Patron shots, and I drank away the misery. At this point, my betting ticket was a long lost memory and my liver would be too if I continued down this path. I will admit, alcohol washes away the pain faster than an ice cream binge. I’ll have to keep that in mind for those really horrific come-from-behind losses.

I’d normally choose a reality TV episode, like The Bachelorette, to end a poor night of betting. However, WWE Monday Night Raw was on tap tonight as part of my entrance into male degeneracy. After two hours of steroids and fake boobs, I tapped out. I needed some feminine activities as an antidote to all the masculinity of my day.

I grabbed some nail polish from my bedroom drawer. The pink touched my fingernails and I exhaled. I felt right at home again.

Reflecting on my day, I have a greater understanding that sports betting doesn’t change from a man to a woman. It’s a procedural understanding of numbers, statistical trends, and the ability to utilize these factors in order to determine the potential outcome of a match.

Sure, after a long day of sports betting, I enjoy getting a pedicure and massage, instead of slamming back shots and watching porn. But in the end, we all cheer when we win, pout when we lose and, apparently, use a lot of lotion in between.

Til next time, cover the spread.

--

Follow Sarah J. Phillips on Twitter @Covers_SJP

If you have any feedback or suggestions for our Editorial Team, please contact us at Editorial

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Posted by Vectorfsm
2 years ago

When I'm in a bad mood, I walk outside and punch someone in the face. That's manly.
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Posted by SmokeyMelis
2 years ago

I personally enjoyed your article. Thanks for the fun read. Keep it Girly!!
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Posted by SarahJPhilli
2 years ago

Thanks! :)
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Posted by 666LES
2 years ago

A guy that pretends he's a girl who doesn't like porn but likes pedicures?
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Posted by coolcat
2 years ago

If your horny enough after pedicure go join Faye Reagan in a porno flick.
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Posted by yanks2010
2 years ago

GL with ur plays todaY!! doin great this yr keep it up!!! LOVIN YANKS TODAY~~ enjoy ur sunday!!!
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Posted by mikeny
2 years ago

A Man's Man would be getting some. Not watching porn every minute he's near a computer. He's not the stereotypical 'Man's man, maybe a stereotypical adolescent. How old is he 14? WWE? atleast watch the UFC!!! Whatever its an article. Good luck with your betting i decided to take a break after the allstar game. Its a long baseball season. Good luck with your wagers!!!
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Posted by SarahJPhilli
2 years ago

@mikeny: :)
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Posted by Lemsnephew
2 years ago

@Sarah When I was younger the only gambling I did was Poker and Jai Alai.The only bets I make on sports are very small,10 to 20 dollar bets,for fun and recreation.I like Covers for their free league contests and I enjoy reading the articles.
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Posted by SarahJPhilli
2 years ago

@Lemsnephew: That's awesome! I have a lot of recreational sports betting friends. I'd rather them do than that lose their houses betting outside their limits.
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Posted by Lemsnephew
2 years ago

You're right..I guess I forget that when I was young,I partyed hard too.
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Posted by SarahJPhilli
2 years ago

@Lemsnephew: Did you bet when you were younger, too?
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Posted by Lemsnephew
2 years ago

I don't mean to be insulting but it sounds like your male friends are a bunch of losers.Watching porn while placing bets??? Pills and booze to ease the pain?If you want to get high,stick to weed...you'll sleep good,eat good,and you'll wake up feeling fresh!
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Posted by SarahJPhilli
2 years ago

@Lemsnephew: To each their own, right?
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Posted by ebbottom
2 years ago

I like going to the spa ;)
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Posted by SarahJPhilli
2 years ago

@ebbottom: GOOD! Me too. :)
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Posted by UKCrunch
2 years ago

Hi SJP! So let me get this right. To summarise your article....You're a writer that considers yourself a girly girl and one that likes to be pampered. Pedicures and manicures are your meditation. You like cheesy pop music and cheesier TV. And all this countered with a drive to indulge a bit of sports betting. And if all this wasn't contrary enough, you're now trying to better connect with your readers by indulging in porn or the homoerotic charade known as WWE!!! I guess I must be missing something somewhere, so I'll stick with my assumption that I haven't become completely bereft of any the testosterone fueled masculinity I may or may not have retained at my age and further assume that it's a lack of nail polish remover fumes or Patron shots that is now causing me to question my somewhat wavering sexuality. Perhaps it's time to hang up the satchel and abacus, get myself a back, sack and crack wax, lotion myself up and look to earn a living by wrapping myself around the nearest shiny pole and all to a cheesy techno soundtrack!! I think I'll hold off on making a decision until I've at least had a good night out at my local pub tonight, where I'll be able to relax my evening away in the farting, belching, scratching and misanthropy tourney!!! ;) Thanks for the chuckles, SJP. Best of luck as ever! :))
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Posted by SarahJPhilli
2 years ago

@UKCrunch: LOL! You're too funny for your own good. That friend of mine is the stereotypical "Man's man."I don't believe that's what all guys are like, just like all women aren't "clueless bimbos" in regards to sports betting. That's the underlying message of the column. :)
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Posted by UKCrunch
2 years ago

@SJP: "Too funny for my own good". Now ain't that the truth!! ;) I'm not sure if your friend is the "stereotypical 'Man's man'". I think he's more of a stereotypical 'lad' (Which I'm aware may be an English Expression that doesn't translate, but your friend sounds like the very definition). My idea of the definition of a 'Man's man', is somewhere in the lines of the Rudyard Kipling poem, If. The last few lines of which are best known......... "If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!" And it sounds even better while watching porn!!!!! ;P
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Posted by Mozart
2 years ago

Sarah: Yea, manicures/pedicures are cool! I'll do them, now that I've finally emerged from my cave and done gone and done it.......................The ladies were surprised at how nice my hands/fingers were... nice, clean nails with no split skin on my eponychium... it's because of my organic food diet... lots of good food and no pizza... although I miss pizza badly..........................So take it from a caveman, guys... pedicures are awesome!..............................And there's NOTHING like walking on the forest floor deep in the redwoods -- OMG, the floor is beyond awesome. The softest carpet in the world could not compare to the soft floor of a virgin redwood forest floor..............................And the next thing for me is a European Facial by those fine ladies at the spa......................They are pretty intrigued that I'm a professional sports bettor who actually makes money and that I sold my 1,000's of ounces of silver in late April of this year... I'm a happy camper these days!
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Posted by SarahJPhilli
2 years ago

@Mozart: Manicures & Pedicures: so easy, a Caveman could do it. :)
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Posted by Slovak
2 years ago

wwe studio wrestling is for quakers.
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Posted by SarahJPhilli
2 years ago

@Slovak: Good insight.
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Posted by Mozart
2 years ago

I finally had a pedicure the other day at a spa. First time evah! You should have looked at the face of the poor young lady who did my feet... lol. I walk a lot on bare Earth, so it was some work for her to do. Felt great and my feet look great............................. I'm headed to Canada to hang out with some Hollywood big-wigs next week, so it'll be a fun trip and that's why I did the first-time-ever pedicure................................... And, oh, I could NEVER UNDERSTAND why women paint their finger/toe nails INDOORS! That shit that is in those polishes... TOXIC! Petroleum distillates! Toxic, man. Can make someone bat-shit-crazy, ya know. Maybe that's why so many women are so batty, perhaps?............................................ I like today's games, btw! Building my card now.
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Posted by SarahJPhilli
2 years ago

@Mozart: I've never understood why men don't do manicures and pedicures. I think all women are much more attracted to "clean cut" appearances rather than the caveman look.
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Top Response

Posted by waltertaylor24
2 years ago

"Why would we care what makes your guy friend tick.... You get paid to right this bullshit?"