appalachian state -1.5 SOUTHERN MISS
Let’s not beat around the magnolia bush — Southern Miss is about to get curb-stomped like a moonshine jug at a frat party. Appalachian State, the backwoods buzzsaw from Boone, NC, is rolling into Hattiesburg with more horsepower than a herd of caffeinated John Deeres. Meanwhile, Southern Siss is clinging to moral victories like your drunk uncle clings to a karaoke mic at a wedding.
App State gashed Charlotte for 586 yards like a buttered chainsaw through a biscuit. In contrast, mighty Bill “would you like some candy little girl?” Belichick and UNC could only muster 303 yards against the same squad. That’s not a typo…App State moved the ball twice as much as Coach “Stranger Danger” Bill’s offense.
“But they only scored 20 against Lindenwood,” the doubters chirp. Wrong angle, my friend. They racked up 503 yards in that game too and held Lindenwood to a stunning 0.0 yards per carry — aka, the football equivalent of putting their offense in solitary confinement. Appy’s Rashod Dubinion rushed for 194 yards on 25 carries (7.8 yards per carry), meaning that they can control the game on the ground any time they want. If not for four turnovers — a complete fluke — App State would’ve hung 40+ on the Lions and there would be no doubt as to which team is better this Saturday.
Southern Siss fans are walking around with their chests puffed out like Ric Flair going WOOOO!, thanks to “only losing” to Mississippi State. But let’s be real: State had 14 penalties and was too busy ringing cowbells to be concerned about running up the score on their little brother from Purvis, MS. Did you know there used to be a refinery there? And yes, Southern Siss beat Jackson State… but it was less of a win and more of a gift basket. Jackson State QB tossed two interceptions like they were beads at Mardi Gras. Without those, that game might’ve gone down to the wire — and I don’t trust Southern Siss to win anything that comes down to the wire. They can’t run the ball. According to the Massey Composite, App State is ranked 89th, while Southern Miss is buried down at 127th — aka, below several schools that have goats as mascots and part-time professors who look like Colonel Sanders and an enlarged medulla oblongata.
App State's defense? #1 in the country in third-quarter points allowed (0.0) — indicating an experienced coaching staff making excellent halftime adjustments - so if Southern Siss doesn’t jump out to a lead early, they’re gonna spend the second half like a toddler at a spelling bee: confused, scared, and probably sissing their diapers. The ‘Neers are also converting 100% in the red zone, which I would expect they will be visiting often on Saturday night.
The bottom line here is Appalachian State is the better team, playing smarter, faster, and with a whole lot more banjo-driven bravado. The 1.5 point spread is not meaningful. The better team – The Mountaineers – will win the game outright and cover.
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