PAUL HARVEY’S ‘IF I WERE THE DEVIL’ TRANSCRIPT
If I were
the devil …
I wouldn’t be happy until I had seized the ripest apple on the
tree — Thee.
So I’d set about however necessary to take over the United States.
I’d subvert the churches first — I’d begin with a campaign of whispers. With the
wisdom of a serpent, I would whisper to you as I whispered to Eve: ‘Do as you
please.’
“To the young, I would whisper that ‘The Bible is a myth.’ I would convince
them that man created God instead of the other way around. I would confide that
what’s bad is good, and what’s good is ‘square.’
And the old, I would teach to
pray, after me, ‘Our Father, which art in Washington…’
“And then I’d get organized. I’d educate authors in how to make lurid literature exciting, so that anything else would appear dull and uninteresting. I’d threaten TV with dirtier movies and vice versa. I’d pedal narcotics to whom I could. I’d sell alcohol to ladies and gentlemen of distinction. I’d tranquilize the rest with pills.
“If I were the devil I’d soon have families that war with themselves,
churches at war with themselves, and nations at war with themselves; until each
in its turn was consumed, and with promises of higher ratings I’d have
mesmerizing media fanning the flames.
If I were the devil I would encourage
schools to refine young intellects, but neglect to discipline emotions — just
let those run wild, until before you knew it, you’d have to have drug sniffing
dogs and metal detectors at every schoolhouse door.
“Within a decade I’d have prisons overflowing, I’d have judges promoting
pornography — soon I could evict God from the courthouse, then from the
schoolhouse, and then from the houses of Congress. And in His own churches I
would substitute psychology for religion, and deify science. I would lure
priests and pastors into misusing boys and girls, and church money.
If I were
the devil I’d make the symbols of Easter an egg and the symbol of Christmas a
bottle.
“If I were the devil I’d take from those, and who have, and give to those
wanted until I had killed the incentive of the ambitious.
And what do you bet?
"I
could get whole states to promote gambling as thee way to get rich?
I would
caution against extremes and hard work, in Patriotism, in moral conduct. I would
convince the young that marriage is old-fashioned, that swinging is more fun,
that what you see on the TV is the way to be. And thus I could undress you in
public, and I could lure you into bed with diseases for which there is no cure.
In other words, if I were the devil I’d just keep right on doing on what he’s
doing. Paul Harvey, good day.”