THANK GOD they found that Balloon boy. For a second there I thought Michael Jackson ordered take-out from heaven.........
A child molestor is walking into the woods with this little boy and its getting dark. Boy looks up at the child molestor and says "im scared, its getting dark out here". Child molestor replies, "How do you think I feel kid? I have to walk out of here alone"
WOW thats some funny shit!!!!!
An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!". Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?".
"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".
Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. Thewedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
A man comes home from work. His wife of 17 years says, "We have to talk". He says, " Ok. What now?"
"I've decided. I'm taking $6000 out of savings and having a breast augmentation."
"No you're not."
"Yes I am."
"No, you are not spending $6000 on a boob job."
The wife says, "This really means alot to me, I want it!"
The man looks at his wife and explains, "Ok, you want bigger boobs? I'll tell you what you're going to do. Everyday, take 4 squares of toilet paper and rub it between your boobs."
The wife responds, "What's that going to do?!?!"
He says, "I don't know, but it sure worked on your ass!"
Things Men Think The Perfect Wife Would Safe
1. Of course I'll swallow it all;I love the taste
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored; let's shave my box
4. Oh, come on; let's get a porno, a case of beer, a few joints, and invite Tammy over for a threesome
5. If I don;t get to blow you soon, I swear im gonna scream
6. I know its a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?
7. Your so sexy when you're hungover
8. No, id rather stay here and watch football and drink beer than go shopping
9. I signed up for yoga classes so I can get my ankles behind my head for you, honey
10. You look tired; you should go right to sleep as soon as we have sex tonight
First Time Football Game
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.
'I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,' she said.
'What do you mean?' he asked.
'Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'
Womens rights.
...OK OK we can't leave you out so her goes...
""....this husband had the foul habit of farting like a hippo upon waking up every morning much to the continued annoyance of his wife who complained loudly of the foul smell and disgusting manners...to which hubby replied its perfectly natural my dear & i can hardly hold it in!! Well he continued to rip them with such force it caused her to caution him " keep that up &one day your guts are going to end up in bed!!"" The wife in preparing the thanksgiving turkey has all the innards out in the kitchen when it hits her.....
...she fills the bed & waits for him to wake! After a stellar rip she hears a blood curding scream and much fussing in the bedroom...shortly after he sheepishly approaches his wife and admits.." you were right dear, I blew out my guts out with that fart but i think I got most of it back in place with two fingers & a little vasoline" !!
Established in 1995,
too bad i dont know one good job i can even recall
This thread is making me shit in my pants
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