A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a casino when he met up with a striking but quite small and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed. She told him she was a jockey and that, if he came to the races at Randwick that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
In race 2, she rode out rubbing both her breasts. The bloke looked through the racebook and found "Two Abreast" on which he placed $100 at 5 to 1. It won by 2 lengths. "Shit, this is great," he thought.
In race 4, she rode out rubbing her fingers around her eyes. He put the lot on "Eyeliner" at 10 to 1 and was 5 grand in front. In the last race she came out standing in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch. He backed nothing.
After the races he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 & 4. "What about "Itchy Mickey" in the last at 66-1?" she asked.
"Shit, he said, "I thought you were telling me the box was scratched".
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A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a casino when he met up with a striking but quite small and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed. She told him she was a jockey and that, if he came to the races at Randwick that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
In race 2, she rode out rubbing both her breasts. The bloke looked through the racebook and found "Two Abreast" on which he placed $100 at 5 to 1. It won by 2 lengths. "Shit, this is great," he thought.
In race 4, she rode out rubbing her fingers around her eyes. He put the lot on "Eyeliner" at 10 to 1 and was 5 grand in front. In the last race she came out standing in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch. He backed nothing.
After the races he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 & 4. "What about "Itchy Mickey" in the last at 66-1?" she asked.
"Shit, he said, "I thought you were telling me the box was scratched".
Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the
Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering
banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband
stops his antics.
Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department
and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and
a Calorgas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help
him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me
alone?'
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
antidepressants were.
10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.
12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled' PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker,
assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices
again.'
And; last, but not least:
14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
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When the wife drags the husband along shopping...
Letter sent to a customer:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the
Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering
banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband
stops his antics.
Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department
and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and
a Calorgas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help
him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me
alone?'
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
antidepressants were.
10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.
12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled' PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker,
assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices
again.'
And; last, but not least:
14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
this { newfie--person----------priest-who ever you want it to be } win a trip to rome and before he goes he goes in to get a haircut-so while his there he tells the barber about the trip he won to rome, the barber says you won t like rome it s one dirty city the guy says well i won the trip so i m going how are you getting there the barber says american airlines he says man your brave the barber says those plans are falling out of the sky every day--i won the trip so im going and where will you stay when you get there tha barber says queens lounge is the reply --man that place is a dump--well i won the trip and i m going says the man getting frustrated and what are you going to do there says the barber, well i think i go down to the vatican and see if i can the pope-oh don t go down there the barber says there will be so many people there you won t be able to move. are you done yet the man says having enough i won this trip and i m going and i don t care what you say.----so the man goes over and his back a few weeks and he decides to go back and get another hair cut--------- do i know you the barber says-ya i m the guy who was in here just over a month ago and i was telling you that i won a trip to rome--oh ya and how was the trip he asked--man it was great rome has got to be the cleanest place i was ever at-and americam airlines man they were great and i stead at queens lounge and man you could eat of the floor-but you were right about the vatican i went down there and there were so many people there to see the pope you couldn t move----but i didn t mind because when the pope came out to speak to the crowd his eyes and mine made contact and i m telling ya when that happen the hair on the back of my head stood up-then he came down to the crowd and his body guards push everybody aside and the pope came right up to me and spoke------wow the barber said what did he say--------------------he said where in the fuck did you get that haircut.
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this { newfie--person----------priest-who ever you want it to be } win a trip to rome and before he goes he goes in to get a haircut-so while his there he tells the barber about the trip he won to rome, the barber says you won t like rome it s one dirty city the guy says well i won the trip so i m going how are you getting there the barber says american airlines he says man your brave the barber says those plans are falling out of the sky every day--i won the trip so im going and where will you stay when you get there tha barber says queens lounge is the reply --man that place is a dump--well i won the trip and i m going says the man getting frustrated and what are you going to do there says the barber, well i think i go down to the vatican and see if i can the pope-oh don t go down there the barber says there will be so many people there you won t be able to move. are you done yet the man says having enough i won this trip and i m going and i don t care what you say.----so the man goes over and his back a few weeks and he decides to go back and get another hair cut--------- do i know you the barber says-ya i m the guy who was in here just over a month ago and i was telling you that i won a trip to rome--oh ya and how was the trip he asked--man it was great rome has got to be the cleanest place i was ever at-and americam airlines man they were great and i stead at queens lounge and man you could eat of the floor-but you were right about the vatican i went down there and there were so many people there to see the pope you couldn t move----but i didn t mind because when the pope came out to speak to the crowd his eyes and mine made contact and i m telling ya when that happen the hair on the back of my head stood up-then he came down to the crowd and his body guards push everybody aside and the pope came right up to me and spoke------wow the barber said what did he say--------------------he said where in the fuck did you get that haircut.
this shy guy goes to collage and he bunks up with this playboy-well every night the playboy come back with a girl, so it s not long untill the shy guy says man your lucky you never have any problems picking uo women and i couldn t get one if i was the last man in the world. the playboy feels sorry for his buddy and says hey it s only easy i will help you and give ya some tips. so he arrange a blind date for the shy guy and says listen follow these instructions and you will have no problem, first he says when you pick her up bring her some flowers women love flowers-take her to a real nice place to eat and tell her how nice she looks ---then take her dancing and always be careful to listen to her women love it when you listen to them----------now at the end of the night when you take her home tell her you had a wonderful time, then just take it out and put it in her hand she will know what to do with it--------so the shy guy follow his instructions to the letter and when he takes her home he shuts off the car and says i really had a wonderful time then he takes it out and puts it in her hand she freaks out she jumps out of the car and runs up to her door and yells back at him----i got to words for you pig------fuck-off--------he yells back i got two for you--------------------LET GO.
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this shy guy goes to collage and he bunks up with this playboy-well every night the playboy come back with a girl, so it s not long untill the shy guy says man your lucky you never have any problems picking uo women and i couldn t get one if i was the last man in the world. the playboy feels sorry for his buddy and says hey it s only easy i will help you and give ya some tips. so he arrange a blind date for the shy guy and says listen follow these instructions and you will have no problem, first he says when you pick her up bring her some flowers women love flowers-take her to a real nice place to eat and tell her how nice she looks ---then take her dancing and always be careful to listen to her women love it when you listen to them----------now at the end of the night when you take her home tell her you had a wonderful time, then just take it out and put it in her hand she will know what to do with it--------so the shy guy follow his instructions to the letter and when he takes her home he shuts off the car and says i really had a wonderful time then he takes it out and puts it in her hand she freaks out she jumps out of the car and runs up to her door and yells back at him----i got to words for you pig------fuck-off--------he yells back i got two for you--------------------LET GO.
kid goes to visit his grandparents, when he walks in he sees his grandfather smoking a cigar and says "hey pop-pop, can i have one of those? the grandfather replies,"does your pecker reach your ass"? the kid says "no! i'm just a kid so the grandfather says "then you can't have one, later on the kid comes back and sees him drinking a beer and asks "hey pop-pop, can i have some"? and the grandfather asks "does your pecker reach your ass"? the kid says "no! i'm just a kid" and the grandfather says "then you can't have any" later the kid walks in with a plate of cookies and the grandfather asks, "hey kid, can i have one"? and the kid says "does your pecker reach your ass"? and the grandfather saya "as a matter of fact it does" and the kid says "then go fuck yourself, these are mine
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kid goes to visit his grandparents, when he walks in he sees his grandfather smoking a cigar and says "hey pop-pop, can i have one of those? the grandfather replies,"does your pecker reach your ass"? the kid says "no! i'm just a kid so the grandfather says "then you can't have one, later on the kid comes back and sees him drinking a beer and asks "hey pop-pop, can i have some"? and the grandfather asks "does your pecker reach your ass"? the kid says "no! i'm just a kid" and the grandfather says "then you can't have any" later the kid walks in with a plate of cookies and the grandfather asks, "hey kid, can i have one"? and the kid says "does your pecker reach your ass"? and the grandfather saya "as a matter of fact it does" and the kid says "then go fuck yourself, these are mine
A husband gets home from a night shift and decides to surprise his wife with oral sex, so he quietly crawls under the blankets and pulls her panties down and proceeds to give her oral. When hes done he goes in the bathroom to wash his face when he sees his wife in the tub. He said "what the hell are you doig in here?" she says shhhhh you might wake up your mother
Thats so disgusting!!!!! I think I vomitted in my mouth
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Quote Originally Posted by MrOmega:
A husband gets home from a night shift and decides to surprise his wife with oral sex, so he quietly crawls under the blankets and pulls her panties down and proceeds to give her oral. When hes done he goes in the bathroom to wash his face when he sees his wife in the tub. He said "what the hell are you doig in here?" she says shhhhh you might wake up your mother
Thats so disgusting!!!!! I think I vomitted in my mouth
A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says,
"I can't come in today. I'm sick."
He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says,
"I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He
does the work of two men. We need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a
problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire
you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks
every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over
to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one
thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her."
The boss says, "You fuck your sister?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
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A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says,
"I can't come in today. I'm sick."
He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says,
"I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He
does the work of two men. We need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a
problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire
you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks
every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over
to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one
thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her."
a boy is in his class and his teacher is asking all the kids what their parents do for a living... most of the answers are fireman, police officer, accountant... the boy didnt give an answer so the teacher called him out and said what does your father do for a living.. he said.. my dad is a gay stripper, he takes his clothes off for men for money and for a little extra he goes into the alley with them after work and lets them have sex with him... the teacher later called him aside and asked if thats really what his dad does.. the boy said.. no my dad is the coach of the cleveland browns but i was too embarrassed to say that in front of the others
0
a boy is in his class and his teacher is asking all the kids what their parents do for a living... most of the answers are fireman, police officer, accountant... the boy didnt give an answer so the teacher called him out and said what does your father do for a living.. he said.. my dad is a gay stripper, he takes his clothes off for men for money and for a little extra he goes into the alley with them after work and lets them have sex with him... the teacher later called him aside and asked if thats really what his dad does.. the boy said.. no my dad is the coach of the cleveland browns but i was too embarrassed to say that in front of the others
a boy is in his class and his teacher is asking all the kids what their parents do for a living... most of the answers are fireman, police officer, accountant... the boy didnt give an answer so the teacher called him out and said what does your father do for a living.. he said.. my dad is a gay stripper, he takes his clothes off for men for money and for a little extra he goes into the alley with them after work and lets them have sex with him... the teacher later called him aside and asked if thats really what his dad does.. the boy said.. no my dad is the coach of the cleveland browns but i was too embarrassed to say that in front of the others
0
Quote Originally Posted by wmtitan30:
a boy is in his class and his teacher is asking all the kids what their parents do for a living... most of the answers are fireman, police officer, accountant... the boy didnt give an answer so the teacher called him out and said what does your father do for a living.. he said.. my dad is a gay stripper, he takes his clothes off for men for money and for a little extra he goes into the alley with them after work and lets them have sex with him... the teacher later called him aside and asked if thats really what his dad does.. the boy said.. no my dad is the coach of the cleveland browns but i was too embarrassed to say that in front of the others
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades.. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
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Quote Originally Posted by MrOmega:
What do u call two mexicans playing basketball?
juan on juan
funny stuff..
The name's just Fred.....
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades.. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'
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