My mom doesn’t even bet, and even she probably had Baltimore (-10.5) last night.
Las Vegas oddsmakers openly told Covers.com
that they were being hammered with Ravens tickets. Obviously, betting on Jacksonville (+10.5) seems ingenious now. But, as a Jaguars backer, what was I thinking, feeling, and doing last night?
Let’s jump in the time machine and find out. 8:30 p.m. ET -
I’ve been staring at Jacksonville +10.5 (-108) for the majority of the day and the introduction video for Monday Night Football featuring the Baltimore Ravens defense isn’t easing any of my anxieties. Blaine Gabbert looks like a kid, and Ray Lewis looks like he eats kids for breakfast.8:31 p.m. ET -
Submit. Oh, brother. 8:37 p.m. ET -
The line has fallen to Jacksonville Jaguars +10 (-103) as kickoff nears. I knew I was influential, but I didn’t know I was as influential as Colin Cowherd.
8:40 p.m. ET -
And, we’re off! One of my friends turns to me and asks, “Why aren’t we watching the World Series?” Duh, because I don’t have action on Game 5. Go stuff your face with another hot dog and shut the hell up.8:43 p.m. ET -
Three and out, Baltimore.8:46 p.m. ET -
Three and out, Jacksonville.
8:51 p.m. ET -
Three and out, Baltimore. 8:58 p.m. ET -
Three and out, Jacksonville.
8:59 p.m. ET -
FUMBLE! Baltimore’s Ray Rice puts it on the ground on Baltimore’s third possession. My heart skips a beat after almost being put to sleep with the first couple possessions. I feel like I’ve never seen Ray Rice fumble the football. ESPN confirms: Ray Rice hasn’t fumbled during his last 522 touches. I’m starting to believe that this must be my night ...9:07 p.m. ET -
... until Maurice Jones-Drew fumbles at the goal line. I’m pretty sure I haven’t yelled the F-word that loud since BetJamaica was shut down. ESPN shows the replay, and Jones-Drew clearly fumbles. But, as is the case with all instant replays, it will take the replay assistant five minutes to confirm. 9:13 p.m. ET -
Baltimore goes three and out again. I read a tweet from one of my followers, “Baltimore must be on the take!!!” This isn’t soccer, buddy.9:24 p.m. ET -
A 54-yard field goal by Jacksonville is good, 3-0 Jaguars. With a 3-point lead and adding in the original 10.5-point spread, I’m now sitting at a 13.5-point adjusted game line. Still, two touchdowns by the Ravens will burn my ticket. As you can see, I’m extremely pessimistic when I bet on crappy teams.9:31 p.m. ET -
The first quarter ends and it’s been a pretty boring game for someone without action on it. The, “Why aren’t we watching the World Series?” crowd is growing in size. When something like this happens, I hide the remote in the couch and change the subject to something girly, like the Kardashians, in order to divert the boys attention through boredom. This will usually make them forget about their request.
9:48 p.m. ET -
Michael Oher gets flagged for two holding penalties within a few plays of each other. He’s The Blindside guy, though. You can’t get mad at The Blindside guy. Well, unless you’re sitting with a Baltimore ticket. 9:56 p.m. ET -
ESPN analyst Mike Tirico says, “This game has been as bad as the Dolphins-Broncos.” No Mike, this game is much worse. It doesn’t have the man, the myth, the legend: Tim Tebow. 9:57 p.m. ET -
Another 54-yard field goal by Jacksonville is good, 6-0 Jaguars and now a 16.5-point adjusted game line. Baltimore needs three scores to cover and they don’t even have a first down yet.10:04 p.m. ET -
Forget Dolphins-Broncos, this game is rivaling the Browns-Seahawks debacle. The only thing keeping me glued to the TV is my Jacksonville ticket. Betting will increase your attention span tenfold during these types of games.
10:22 p.m. ET -
Jones-Drew has put the ball on the ground three times so far. Luckily, he’s only lost one and the Jaguars are still up 6-0, or else I’d have broken something by now. Not really, but you know what I mean. 10:25 p.m. ET -
Baltimore is a 7-point favorite for the second-half line. This screams sucker bet, in my opinion. I’m taking Jacksonville +7 for half the amount of my original bet. At this point, I feel like the Jacksonville +10.5 full-game wager is a winner. If Jacksonville wins outright, I win both bets. Let’s go for the kill.10:26 p.m. ET -
It’s halftime and lately, listening to analysts talk about Tebow has had the same effect as tryptophan on me. I’m falling asleep. 10:27 p.m. ET -
11:13 p.m. ET -
I wake up to an eruption of cheers, “Yeah!” Mike Napoli has just put the Texas Rangers up 4-2 in Game 5 of the World Series. I’m still in a daze. Where am I? Do I have this game? Do I care about the outcome?
11:13 p.m. ET -
No, I don’t. 11:14 p.m. ET -
I jump on my computer to check on the Jaguars score. However, through the reflection of my screen, I notice that a mustache was drawn on my face while I was asleep. My friends giggle like schoolgirls as they watch me discover the prank. Real mature, A-holes. Jacksonville is up 9-0, so the mustache is cool with me.
11:51 p.m. ET -
The Ravens cut the lead to 9-7 with two minutes remaining. My game wager is well in hand, but Jacksonville still needs to close out the win for my second-half bet. I normally would not be concerned, but Tebow’s comeback performance in Miami is still on my mind. Jacksonville is very similar to Miami, in the fact that they both suck. 11:58 p.m. ET -
Thankfully, an interception seals the deal. 12-7 Final.
Sarah cleans up.
Vegas cleans up.