Sarah J. Phillips: Moving past the moose

The sound of my alarm clock was especially annoying.

My head was throbbing.

My shower was cold.

My breakfast was stale.

I hate waking up the next morning after being moose’d the day before. It literally feels like you have a moose on your back. I wonder if that’s why they call it a moose? – the baddest of bad beats.

The Houston Astros and Washington Nationals were responsible for my crummy day. The Astros blew a two-run lead in the ninth inning versus the Reds, and the Nationals plated three meaningless runs in the ninth inning to push their total over versus the Phillies. Two and zero quickly became zero and two.

Surviving a moose is tough enough, but the people who try and cheer you up can make the situation even more annoying.

My girl friends will usually pay for my burger at Ruby Tuesday’s as a way of comforting me. Thanks friends, I lost $500 yesterday, but this $15 lunch made me forget all about it.

Even worse are the people who don’t know you gamble, can tell you’re upset, and just won’t stop asking about it even though you insist they stop.

Since I’m a woman, some people think I’m using the “I don’t want you to keep asking, but I really want you to keep asking” trick. But for me, when I say stop asking, I really mean, STOP F*CKING ASKING!

Even worse than them are other bettors who console you by saying that you chose the right side for 95 percent of the game. I’m not a violent person, but I really want to slap those people. There are no moral victories with sports betting. The right side is the winning side and anyone who tells you differently is a loser.

I made it through the gauntlet of individuals trying to cheer me up and, as usual, I remained in the same terrible mood.

So, as with any other day after a moose, I did my own personal moose pick-me-up which is called “The Snuggie Burn”.

I start by printing pictures of the individual players who blew the bets for me in each game and I burn them in a trash can while I eat Haagen Dazs ice cream, bundle up in my pink Snuggie and do a war chant.

I usually find a good Ozzie Guillen YouTube interview to play in the background. I just search for “Ozzie Guillen loses his mind” and go with whatever pops up.

Unfortunately, this ritual usually doesn’t work because I end up gagging on the Haagen Dazs while trying to do the war chant.

A few minutes after giving myself the Heimlich, I clear my head and typically begin analyzing five-inning wagers, as Dave Carey suggested on Covers.com. The five-inning wager guards against the bullpens imploding and, in most cases, eliminates the bullpen variable altogether. Fewer variables are always an advantage for bettors.

When going the five-inning route, I search for batting averages for hitters when seeing a pitcher for the first, second and third time in a game. Does it take a starting pitcher a couple innings to get in a groove, or is he throwing gas right out of warmups? To each their own, and digging for statistics to back up your wagers is often the most entertaining aspect of moose guarding.

As a bettor, you must understand no matter how much safeguarding you may do, you will be moosed. I reserve 10 percent of the my bankroll as insurance. For instance, if I have a $10,000 bank roll, I look at it as $9,000 because I know $1,000 will be moosed away at some point. It's a glass half empty approach, but it will add a couple years to your life over the long haul.

Although losses are inevitable, more effective and creative capping can lead to the only true cure for a moose: Cashing your next ticket.

… and a comfy Snuggie.

Til next time, cover the spread.

SJP's Playoff Picks: Miami Heat -7 and Memphis Grizzlies +6.5

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Posted by archdriver
2 years ago

Losing a baseball bet where the pitcher is trying to intentionally walk to get a man on first so the bases are loaded and while doin so, throws the ball ten feet above the catcher's head , allowing the man on third to come in with the winning run is classic moose pudding served chillingly cold.
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Posted by L2408
2 years ago

Nicely done, the only Moose I like is whipped and spelled with a U!
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Posted by SarahJPhilli
2 years ago

:)
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Posted by L2408
2 years ago

Nicely done, the only Moose I like is whipped and spelled with a U!
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Posted by L2408
2 years ago

Nicely done, the only Moose I like is whipped and spelled with a U!
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Posted by L2408
2 years ago

Nicely done, the only Moose I like is whipped and spelled with a U!
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Posted by RichardA
2 years ago

yeah! I remember that game and I had the Nationals game over!! Bad for you, good for me! And Sarah,FYI... you CAN receive pm's people who aren't your friends....just put a check mark next to "allow pm's from anyone" or whatever it says....
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Posted by SarahJPhilli
2 years ago

Atlanta. Hawks. Suck. Love, SJP
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Posted by mylife23
2 years ago

the brunette ;)
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Posted by yankees1913
2 years ago

@hugh613 - The blonde.
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Posted by SarahJPhilli
2 years ago

SJP's 2011 Playoff Picks: Atlanta Hawks +3.5 (Game 6)
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Posted by yankees1913
2 years ago

I might roll with you on this one, my play is the Over for right now.
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Posted by yankees1913
2 years ago

Early day special - Diamondbacks (+112)
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Posted by SarahJPhilli
2 years ago

Good luck!
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Posted by yankees1913
2 years ago

I don't understand why people are hating against Sarah. A women who likes to gamble on sports, and on top of that she is hot. What else can you ask for?
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Posted by SarahJPhilli
2 years ago

I don't play Playstation 3. That's what they'd ask for.
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Posted by eliminat0r85
2 years ago

No way its all about 360! lol
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Posted by eliminat0r85
2 years ago

Told you thunder would roll :-P BOL on your picks if you have any today. ALso i have to disagree with those of the people who say if you lost you didnt cap the game well enough that is pure BS, you can't take into account every occurence of every game, you would be capping one game for a year if you took in everything that could happen. The job is to find what will most likely happen and if it'll favor you and if it has value. Its hard to predict the game will be tied up on a 2 out HR in the bottom of the 9th, sometimes teams just get lucky. Then in the top of like the 14th they send in their last hope as a reliever who isn't good in that situation. You can't cap those situations everyday as they are few and far between and some time those mooses happen. You also can't count on a closer having one bad night, most closers are successful, you only really hear about them when they blow a game, so saying you didn't cap the closer well is bs, there are tons of great closers, and like many have seen even mariano rivera has a bad day. BOL 2 all tonight.
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Posted by SarahJPhilli
2 years ago

I'm not sure why I didn't consider the UNDER last night after a 3OT marathon. Dumb move on my part.
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Posted by eliminat0r85
2 years ago

yea right toally easy play on the under and the thunder. sadly though i gave it back on baseball oh well. Still got my thunder to win the nba championship bet alive. 12-1 odds was too good to pass up.
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Posted by NorthOf49Sports
2 years ago

I'll humor you... look up weather/domes and o/u's.. Then come back and explain how you would tease this variable for the possible outcomes. The answer is you can't. And learning stats will be very helpful to your capping, not just looking at trends and technical indicators. GL 'homegirl'...
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Posted by SarahJPhilli
2 years ago

You are trying to prove the statement "more variables is an advantage for bettors" and you have yet to do that, "homeboy."
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Posted by texas-bob
2 years ago

It's important to be in understanding of Sarah's critical point that a losing bet = a bad bet before you move on to what you do with that knowledge. And to me, it is of equal importance that one is followed by the other. Once you accept that the methodology you used to reach that "losing bet" was somewhat off, then you go to her insight about looking at " more effective and creative capping." If you believe your losing bet was not due to a flaw in your handicapping then you are not going to have the desire to improve with "more effective and creative capping." The notion that it's not your fault but rather just bad luck is self defeating. It's is your fault. It always is.
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Posted by SarahJPhilli
2 years ago

Within all the jokes and sarcasm, you hit the message of the article right on the head. It's too bad someone voted 900 times to make their comment the top response of this article, because your response truly captures the message I'm portraying. Thanks! :)
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Posted by Ashton_Grewal
2 years ago

Nice picks last night Sarah. Heat and Thunder both played great last night. Finals preview maybe?
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Top Response

Posted by dj_destroyer
2 years ago

"You're a square, Sarah. "The right side is the winning side and anyone who tells you differently is a loser." ^^ This is horrible. One example to put it in the shit hole: heads is -300 in a coin flip so you clearly take tails knowing you have the ed..."