The sound of my alarm clock was especially annoying.
My head was throbbing.
My shower was cold.
My breakfast was stale.
I hate waking up the next morning after being moose’d the day before. It literally feels like you have a moose on your back. I wonder if that’s why they call it a moose? – the baddest of bad beats.
The Houston Astros and Washington Nationals were responsible for my crummy day. The Astros blew a two-run lead in the ninth inning versus the Reds, and the Nationals plated three meaningless runs in the ninth inning to push their total over versus the Phillies. Two and zero quickly became zero and two.
Surviving a moose is tough enough, but the people who try and cheer you up can make the situation even more annoying.
My girl friends will usually pay for my burger at Ruby Tuesday’s as a way of comforting me. Thanks friends, I lost $500 yesterday, but this $15 lunch made me forget all about it.
Even worse are the people who don’t know you gamble, can tell you’re upset, and just won’t stop asking about it even though you insist they stop.
Since I’m a woman, some people think I’m using the “I don’t want you to keep asking, but I really want you to keep asking” trick. But for me, when I say stop asking, I really mean, STOP F*CKING ASKING!
Even worse than them are other bettors who console you by saying that you chose the right side for 95 percent of the game. I’m not a violent person, but I really want to slap those people. There are no moral victories with sports betting. The right side is the winning side and anyone who tells you differently is a loser.
I made it through the gauntlet of individuals trying to cheer me up and, as usual, I remained in the same terrible mood.
So, as with any other day after a moose, I did my own personal moose pick-me-up which is called “The Snuggie Burn”.
I start by printing pictures of the individual players who blew the bets for me in each game and I burn them in a trash can while I eat Haagen Dazs ice cream, bundle up in my pink Snuggie and do a war chant.
I usually find a good Ozzie Guillen YouTube interview
to play in the background. I just search for “Ozzie Guillen loses his mind” and go with whatever pops up.
Unfortunately, this ritual usually doesn’t work because I end up gagging on the Haagen Dazs while trying to do the war chant.
A few minutes after giving myself the Heimlich, I clear my head and typically begin analyzing five-inning wagers, as Dave Carey suggested on Covers.com
. The five-inning wager guards against the bullpens imploding and, in most cases, eliminates the bullpen variable altogether. Fewer variables are always an advantage for bettors.
When going the five-inning route, I search for batting averages for hitters when seeing a pitcher for the first, second and third time in a game. Does it take a starting pitcher a couple innings to get in a groove, or is he throwing gas right out of warmups? To each their own, and digging for statistics to back up your wagers is often the most entertaining aspect of moose guarding.
As a bettor, you must understand no matter how much safeguarding you may do, you will be moosed. I reserve 10 percent of the my bankroll as insurance. For instance, if I have a $10,000 bank roll, I look at it as $9,000 because I know $1,000 will be moosed away at some point. It's a glass half empty approach, but it will add a couple years to your life over the long haul.
Although losses are inevitable, more effective and creative capping can lead to the only true cure for a moose: Cashing your next ticket.
… and a comfy Snuggie.Til next time, cover the spread.
SJP's Playoff Picks: Miami Heat -7 and Memphis Grizzlies +6.5