With November nearly upon us, I was beginning to get very worried. And not just because we are entering upset season, when making bets is a little like rolling dice at a craps table.
I was getting worried because we were two full months into the season and we had yet to have a rant worthy of repeating ad nauseam to everyone we come into contact with like it was somehow a greater speech than “I Have A Dream”.
And then, just when I was beginning to lose hope, Texas Tech gave up 52 points at home to a hapless A&M squad.
On behalf of college football fans everywhere, thank you Texas Tech. You inspired your coach to give us something we can torture those around us with for months to come. Maybe years.
“As coaches, we failed to make our points more compelling than their fat little girlfriends,” said Mike Leach after the game. “Now their fat little girlfriends have some obvious advantages, but one thing is their fat little girlfriends are telling them what they want to hear, which is how great they are and how easy it’s going to be.
“We had a bunch of people that wanted to win the football game but didn’t want to play the football game.”
Leach added that he would go to some “fairly amazing lengths” this week if he had to in order to get his team’s butt in gear.
“There will be some people inconvenienced and if that happens to be their fat little girlfriends, too bad,” he said.
The thing I love about this is that some folks are demanding Leach apologize for his comments. And I’m like, “Apologize? For what?”
If this were any other job in the world, this would be the type of rationale that ends with you landing in one of two places very quickly – the loony bin or the unemployment line.
I somehow can’t imagine gathering my employees when things start to go a little off the tracks and saying: “Listen guys, there have been way too many mistakes in punctuation lately. I don’t know what your fat little girlfriends are telling you about possessive nouns but someone is going to be seriously inconvenienced until this changes and if it’s your fat little girlfriends, then so be it.
“You guys want the stories to be good, but you don’t want to write the stories.”
I’m just not sure it would fly.
Be advised, this quote is not for amateurs. Don’t get caught breaking it out on waiters in restaurants or your buddies who aren’t familiar with college football.
“Dude, wanna come over and crush some brews, play some fooseball.”
“Sorry bro, hanging with the lady tonight.”
“Well, tell your fat little girlfriend she’s going to be seriously inconvenienced this evening and get your ass over here.”
This will result in a minimum of one black eye for somebody. So I’d advise to proceed with caution here.
In the mean time, as gym memberships and eating disorders soar in Lubbock, I’ll make some picks for this week and hope to keep the wins rolling.
Because I’m a man. I’m 30. And this ain’t intramurals, brother. It’s Division-I football!
(I went 3-1 last week and I’m now 17-14-1 on the season.)
Kansas vs. Texas Tech (-6.5, 69)
Break out the Twinkies and cookie dough ice cream because the FLG’s are going to need some comfort food after this one.
Pick: Kansas +6.5
Rutgers vs. Connecticut (-7.5, 46)
Not going to get into this one much because I covered it in depth last week. No one can blame the Huskies if a letdown follows after the week they’ve had.
Pick: Rutgers +7.5
Southern Miss vs. Houston (-6.5, 62.5)
Not sure this line is as low as it is, which has me a little worried. But Case Keenum has this Houston offense clicking and hopefully the Cougs learned the lesson this season about not losing to teams that aren’t as good as you are.
Pick: Houston -6.5
Michigan State vs. Minnesota (+3.5, 46)
No Eric Decker = no chance for the Gophers.
The team announced earlier this week their star receiver and only offensive threat is done for the year with a strained arch in his left foot that might need a sew job.
Decker has half of Minnesota's passing yards and five of Adam Weber’s six touchdown tosses this year. And fortunately for us, oddsmakers haven't adjusted because nobody gives a crap about this game.
Pick: Michigan State