Degenerate Gambler: Heavy is the $20 not for action

I went for a walk today. Not for exercise, but for therapeutic reasons.

An unsuccessful night of wagers can have any well adjusted man looking for the closest bridge.

With every step my sneaker quacked like a duck. I had walked the tread right off the heel and a malfunction within this Taiwan technology had turned the cathartic nature of my mission into an entirely different form of torment.

The only way to turn off the tap of this Chinese water torture was to make my way to the mall and buy a new pair of shoes. I walked in with visions of making an exotic purchase of floating cross trainers but walked out with crazy glue.

That’s because I’m a gambler. Everything is too expensive except the wager itself.

I had the money in my pocket, but at the last moment I felt a sharp pang.

“I may need this money for something more important,” I thought. “Like supplementing my bankroll.”

My working capital runs parallel with a troubled child. There’s always the fear that the phone will ring and I’ll need to come up with a couple grand to bail them out of jail.

Once bitten, twice shy. The fear of going broke makes it hard for me to rationalize spending money on even the most basic necessities.

A gambler never forgets the day he went broke. It ranks right up there with Black Monday and the Great Depression. It’s the day our stock market crashed.

The thought of having to ask the ex wife or a family member for a loan to rebuild my gaming empire makes me cringe. There is nothing enjoyable about using borrowed money to gamble with and instead of using the profits from that loan to back that lender I’m rolling the cash over from Peter to pay Paul.

I look around at the my fellow degenerates and I see the same profile over and over.

We drive older model cars and justify the cost of repairs because they outweigh the cost of buying a new one. The thought of cutting our losses doesn’t register with a gambler.

You’ll often find us wearing a beat up old hat, a “members only” jacket and an occasional piece of tattered clothing that marks the era we officially went out of style.

Aside from the physical characteristics, there is one constant and profound attribute we all share: losing.

When a man decides to make gambling the love of his life, everything else takes a backseat.

Commercial holidays are viewed like a bad tax. The only gifts I want to be associated with are ones like last week when I heard that Akron had put an ad in the school newspaper looking for anyone who played quarterback in high school.

We don’t go shopping at department stores - we go to flea markets. And we still find a way to convince ourselves the cost on the item that caught our eye was too pricey.

I shop for lines, edges and value - not clothing.

Twenty-dollar bills become as heavy as man hole covers when I try to pull them out of my pocket for anything other than action.

The only thing I want to buy is a solid wager.

I research my purchase just like a normal person would approach buying a lawn mower.

Is the price comparable to other merchants? Is it worth it? Will it reward me?

In my world, all sales are final and there is no warranty on a bad beat.

Mood swings, sleepless nights and stress are all complimentary.

Before the game starts, my wagers are all beautiful little presents wrapped in extravagant paper with pretty little bows, only the final score will let me know whether they contain cash or coal.

I hope I win tonight. I don’t want to find out that crazy glue didn’t fix the squeak in my shoes tomorrow morning.

Be sure to check out the DG's archive page for all his previous columns.

Editor's note: Click here if you would like to learn more about gambling problems and how to get help.

If you have any feedback or suggestions for our Editorial Team, please contact us at Editorial

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Posted by the_DG
4 years ago

So your taking offence to the playing of slot machines as opposed to wearing a diaper? Touch your toes..
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Posted by the_DG
4 years ago

Hey Brothers... I drive a 1988 Cadillac Eldorado...bought in 2003...i put 70,000 kilometers on it..now it sits at 200000 klicks It looks nice..a guy asked me if i wanted to sell it the other day..i told id give it to him at cost..so i quoted him 36 grand I really enjoy the comments from the guys who always win.. Its all fun and games until your strung out in front of a slot machine wearing a diaper Enjoy this game while your still on the good side of the devils fence.. Keep the faith pelicans Grab your ankles
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Posted by jlgarciaiii22
4 years ago

Everybody has an ADDICTION!!!!!! You just summed up why I Love Mine So much!
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Posted by 666LES
4 years ago

Drive a 90 camaro that pisses oil every time I park her. I go to salvation army to get stuff I can resale.
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Posted by Lucky008
4 years ago

go get help, call the gambling hotline.
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Posted by SWINN31
4 years ago

I absolutely love the Any Given Sunday Quote. Great Movie!!!
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Posted by Philly215
4 years ago

My 94 Volkswagon has 215,000 miles on it. Another good article by DG keep em coming.
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Posted by Jayslevel
4 years ago

good garbage
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Posted by cabernetkid
4 years ago

my goodness, you are insightful.
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Posted by BroadwayBob
4 years ago

"I lost two dollars on a horse race once. Over the years I lost four million dollars try to win back that two dollars." Mickey Roony
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Posted by outforthedrive
4 years ago

Oh come on guys anyone can have a couple of bad decades
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Posted by mcmister
4 years ago

Al Pacnio Any Given Sunday "Now I can't do it for you. I'm too old. I look around, I see these young faces, and I think... I mean I've made every wrong choice a middle-aged man can make. I pissed away all my money, believe it or not. I chased off anyone who's ever loved me, and lately, I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror. You know when you get old in life, things get taken from you. That's part of life. But you only learn that when you start losing stuff. You find out life's this game of inches. And so is football. Because in either game, life or football, the margin for error is so small."
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Posted by 1teebone
4 years ago

let me guess, you bet on tampa over in london...
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Posted by bigbozo
4 years ago

Great stuff as usual, man. You got me again as I have been driving a 84' Cadillac El Dorado with a blown head gasket for a year and a half. You reminded me that I don't still have my "members only" jakcet anymore, so I need to go out tomorrow and buy another at Sally's! (Salvation Army)
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Posted by raidernation444
4 years ago

*day
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Posted by raidernation444
4 years ago

The worst day gambling is better than the best at work
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Posted by Smartmoney79
4 years ago

I drive a '94 mustang rusty and 150,000 plus miles. I've owned it since the year 2000.
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Posted by ILPRATO
4 years ago

I find gamblers to be spenders whats the difference if you buy something you can get it back on one bet.
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Posted by SAWahoo
4 years ago

How True, How True
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Posted by rojaspicks
4 years ago

"A gambler never forgets the day he went broke. It ranks right up there with Black Monday and the Great Depression. It’s the day our stock market crashed. " hilarious
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Top Response

Posted by rojaspicks
4 years ago

""A gambler never forgets the day he went broke. It ranks right up there with Black Monday and the Great Depression. It’s the day our stock market crashed. " hilarious"