You've probably read Barstool Sports, a kick ass sports blog with an East Coast focus. If you haven't, you should. The better news is that it's author, El Presidente, is a fellow degenerate and he's joining us on Covers every week to give us his betting thoughts.
I have a question. Do people have fun gambling? Because I don't. I'm not sure if I've ever really had fun gambling. Sure I'm addicted to the rush and it makes watching sports feel like doing coke, but I don't enjoy it. Does everybody feel that way? Like does everybody bet way too much money and then get sick when they lose and not sleep and shit?
I always assumed the answer is yes. I mean what's the point of gambling if you don't bet more than you can afford? Where is the honor in that? Anyway after roughly 25 years of pain and suffering I think I've narrowed down why I never win and consequently hate it so much.
I'm an action junkie
When I start gambling I don't just bet on the things I like. I start betting on everything. I'm talking horse racing, baseball, football, five-inning lines, Dancing With the Stars, American Idol etc. If I can find a line for it I'll bet it. It's simple mathematics that you get vigged to death doing that, but I can't help myself.
Trust me I've given myself the lecture about betting with control thousands of times. I mean you should hear the speeches I give to myself at 4 a.m. when I can't sleep and am staring at the ceiling wanting to smother myself with my pillow. It makes Knute Rockne look like a pussy. But when kickoff is a minute a way, it's like a little Martian climbs into my head and takes over. Half the time I just black out and when I wake up I have every single game on the board. This has been happening for like 20 years now.
Half Time Lines
I guess this could go with point No. 1, huh? I can't stay away from half time lines. I'm like a rat that keeps getting shocked by cheese over and over and over again, and never learns.
I mean how many times do I have to watch the first half of a football game only to see a totally different second half before I realize they aren't related? Seven zillion times? I mean the "hey they couldn't move the ball in the first half so they obviously won't be able to move it in the 2nd half" logic just doesn't work. Somehow though, your brain never seems to be able to process this in time.
I Bet Scared
I'm 32 years old. I'm about to get married in a week. By all accounts I shouldn't be gambling anymore. F@#%, I shouldn't even be looking at the lines. Unfortunately to quote Professor Petrovsky "we can't run from who we are. Our destiny chooses us."
So now I just bet scared. I'm always petrified of losing because I need every cent to pay for real-life shit like rent and my wedding, and crap like that. Dropping thousands and just eating spaghetti for a month and not going out doesn't cut it anymore.
I always end up killing myself by not betting things I like when I'm down or chopping my bets in half because I'm afraid to lose. Obviously without fail I always win my smallest bets and the games I don't touch always come in. Then if I happen to get up I go back to normal and start betting on everything with higher amounts. It's a vicious cycle when you think about it and may explain why I've haven't collected in two years.
The NFL is Impossible
I don't care what anybody says. The NFL is impossible to bet on. Impossible.
Anybody who says they know what's going to happen is a liar. Not only is it impossible but it's beyond impossible. Like I know it should be a coin flip whether you win or lose any particular game but it's not. It's 80/20 you lose. Don't ask me how that's possible but it just is. Like you could bet both sides and you'd middle yourself 87 percent of the time.
Money Ain't Real
This is probably the No. 1 reason why I never win. Money ain't real. Like if I got to Vegas, I'm not throwing down a dime on 10 different games because you'd need 10K cash and I'd probably shit myself doing that.
But not a week goes by where I don't have at least 7 or 8K in play at the same time. It's sickening when you think about it. I mean I freak out on spending 100 bucks at dinner but I'll drop a thousand on a game like it ain't no thing.
Why? Because you don't have to give the cash over. I swear if I had to physically give the money to my bookie before I bet, it would be like the best thing ever to happen to me. But as long as I'm playing with monopoly money I'm going to keep getting my ass kicking and wanting to murder myself every Sunday night.
So there you have it - My top 5 reasons why I haven't collected in over three years.
Now Covers told me not to give my picks out anymore which I think is a disservice to all the readers out there so I'm going to ignore them and give you my mortal lock of the week. Just one game that is guaranteed to win.
Now I know what you're thinking: Why are we going to listen to the guy who just said he hasn't collected in three years? Well the answer is because I bet 9,000 games every week. If I could just pick the games I liked I'd probably own Covers by now.
Michigan vs. Indiana total 53.5
You know that website Cum Fiesta? Well this is going to be a scoring Fiesta.
The Pick - Over 53.5