West Coast Guy has covered pro sports for various papers across California and has been betting since 1978. Every week, he'll bring you his opinions and wagering thoughts from the Left Coast perspective.
We out here on the West Coast are paranoid. And it’s not because we enjoy the many varieties of wacky tobacky they grow up in them there hills.
We’re sports-a-noid. We’re paralyzed by our fear of ESPN, our fear of being ignored on late night highlight shows. If a West Coast team falls in the forest . . .
We’re fairly certain that Boston-area teams will continue to win world titles in every sport that matters for the next decade. It’s been a horrible, soul-crushing run these last few seasons as the Red Sox, Patriots and now – Celtics – have climbed to the top and thumbed their noses at the rest of us.
The Patriots’ epic fall from perfect grace in the last Super Bowl was small consolation, mostly because a team from the other self-appointed “center of the universe” – New York’s Big Blue Giants – claimed the crown.
Boston fans magnify everything: gloating, preening, drinking in excess and reminding anyone who will listen how much they know about sports.
And the East Coast frat boy interns running around ESPN like headless chickens make sure their favorite teams get the most pop. Few of them have even been to California. Gotta stay away from those tree-sitting hippies and all that sunshine.
We want to be a “Nation.” Every two-bit organization of fandom proclaims its nationality at the drop of a puck.
West Coast Nation? Sure, why not? Because it's annoying, that's why.
I’ll break it down by sport.
Baseball
Does anyone remember the Oakland A’s won three World Series in a row with players who wore ugly-ass double-knits (green and gold and “wedding gown white") and sported excessive facial hair and fought in the dugout. A crew cobbled together by an owner (Charles O. Finley) who makes the Steinbrenner family look normal.
I shouldn’t be too high and mighty about those A’s teams, because some of the playoff games didn’t sell out. I remember going to a game in 1972 when the attendance was a little more than 25,000.
When the Bay Area baseball teams put it together and ended up in the World Series in 1989, the great sports fan in the sky thought it would be funny to shatter the thing with an epic earthquake, driving a 10-day gap between Games 3 and 4 of the A’s forgettable sweep.
In SoCal, you have to mention the handful of Dodgers championships, but the franchise hasn’t been a postseason factor in almost two decades now, no matter how much money is spent.
The Angels have a title (2002) but of course it was over a superior Giants team that was cursed by the presence of Mr. Bonds. I hear rumors of Bonds being signed by the Red Sox. Oh the glorious irony, and potential disaster, that would bring.
The worst part of the 2002 series was the hideous “Rally Monkey.”
No wonder other fans make fun of us.
Padres and Mariners? The only thing San Diego is known for is a uniform scheme uglier than those A’s (dirt brown and Gulden’s mustard yellow).
The Mariners are best remembered for giving away Randy Johnson, Ken Griffey and Alex Rodriguez.
Currently, the M’s have cleaned house and are the biggest embarrassment in baseball.
NFL
It’s easy to point to the 49ers as the Team of the Decades in the ‘80s. Those thuggy Raiders won three Super Bowls as well, the last as an L.A. team, which makes them a true West Coast champion.
What’s sad is that the Raiders still cling to the fraudulent claim of “Commitment to Excellence” and until recently, they touted themselves as “Pro Sports Winningest Franchise” because of some complicated formula only the Raiders could figure out.
In recent times, the Ravens, Bucs, Patriots and Giants won the big one. The Raiders and 49ers, meanwhile, have been two of the worst teams in the NFL. It all started when Oakland endured that 48-21 piano-wiring by Tampa Bay in the 2002 Super Bowl.
As far as Southern California goes, there is nobody there (no L.A. teams), unless you count the Chargers, who have been used by the Patriots as playoff practice dummies for two years.
San Diego’s one Super Bowl appearance (1994) ended up as a televised burning at the stake, thanks to a potent 49ers team.
The monkey theme was present in that game as well when Steve Young asked to have the monkey ripped off his back.
Seattle’s Seahawks? Do they finish 9-7 or 7-9 every year or is it my imagination.
NBA
The Lakers had a little thing called Showtime, but based on that pathetic effort in these 2008 Finals, that memory has been slightly soiled.
This year’s team created “Blowtime” when it counted most.
I was a San Diego Clippers fans so, well, so what? Calvin Murphy, that’s what.
Little does the East Coast know, the Sonics (1979), Blazers ('77) and Warriors ('75) won NBA titles. The Portland championship is the only memorable one because they beat Dr. J and the Sixers.
All three of those titles were at a time when NBA games finished way behind “One Day At A Time” in the ratings.
Jack Sikma? Downtown Brown? Phil Smith? Derrick Dickey? Valerie Bertinelli? Anybody?
NHL
The Ducks have a Stanley Cup but that’s only because Disney orchestrated the whole thing. Sharks and Kings?
Hockey is, nor will it ever be, a priority out here.
I think it’s ridiculous that there are pro hockey teams in Atlanta and Dallas and Miami and Tampa and Charlotte. The NHL could lose eight teams and chop 30 games of its regular season schedule and be a much better product.
College Sports
The Pac-10 is thought of as a “soft” football conference. No way. USC cheats as hard and as well as any team in the country.
They win titles with players who never go to class and get paid on the side - and they don’t get punished! Amazing.
Same deal in Columbus and Norman and Austin and Baton Rouge.
Cal hasn’t been especially good at football since the days of Chuck Muncie and – well, a lot of cheating by then coach Mike White. I know, my former girlfriend was paid to take tests for big ol' Chuck.
Stanford has Rose Bowl wins over Midwest bullies Ohio State and Michigan in 1971 and 1972.
I think I’m the only person who remembers, or cares. Jim Plunkett? Don Bunce? Thunderchickens? Anyone?
College basketball isn’t a sport in my eyes, not with the one-and-done nonsense of players like O.J. Mayo, Michael Beasley, the Ohio State and Florida teams that went from great to goats in one season, and teams like Memphis, filled with nothing more than mercenaries. If you think Derrick Rose ever cracked open a book or even graced the entrance of a classroom, you’re wrong.
UCLA won 11 titles back when the sport was pure. Or was it?
Look back at some of the accusations against UCLA and its sugar daddy -- Sam Gilbert, well Read the story..
Wooden never got dinged for anything because he never got caught.
Cal won an NCAA title, nearly a half century ago. That's also the last time the Giants won a championship.
The Future
We West Coastians have a word of caution for the rest of “Sports Nation.”
We thrust our flag into the fake turf of San Jose’s downtown arena (The Tank) and say: “Watch out for those SaberCats baby!”
That’s right, you can’t stop SaberCat Nation!
Tough Start For West Coast Guy:
I'm off to a bit of a slow start on the predictions.
• Tiger has no chance in the U.S. Open, take Sergio Garcia.
• Lakers in 5, the Celtics will be tired.
• Willie Randolph will survive the year.
• Hank Steinbrenner will be more sane than his father.
OK, so I didn’t make Mets-Yankees predictions, but I wanted to point out the men who run our West Coast baseball teams aren’t totally freaking crackers.
Kobe and the Lakers lied down like dogs in Game 6, a horrible ending to an NBA Finals that provided very few highlights, unless you enjoy Pau Gasol cowering in the key like a frightened child.
Our Spanish Fly Boy Garcia did grind out a top 20 after a horrible start. That still doesn't excuse his loss to a guy playing with corn flakes in his knees and - ahem - on a broken leg.
Fail Nippleson was a dismal flop, failing to meet the expectations he stupidly placed on himself.
That was some unreal TV, that Tiger vs. Rocco playoff.
In true West Coast paranoid subculture, we note that after San Diego stages one of the greatest major golf tournaments ever, it appears we've killed Tiger Woods. We didn’t kill Tiger, but the golf season is dead in the water. A buried lie of meaningless battles between Kenny Perry, Anthony Kim, Jeff Quinney and Bob Tway.
Can't wait for those FedEx playoffs. Who will be this year's Steve Stricker? See what I mean?
I'm guessing our wacky tobacky had something to do with Tiger’s demise.
May the Red Sox and Patriots and Celtics fly up your nose and build a sturdy little house made of tiny lobster shells and congealed clam chowdah..
Great, now I’m hungry.
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