Justin Bieber has got a lot of nerve calling out Tom Brady. The same man who’s won three Super Bowls and impregnated two movie-star hot girls is suddenly taking heat from this month’s it pop star.
And it’s all because of one ill-advised haircut that all-too-closely resembled the style worn by a teen heartthrob.
Athletes may be applauded for their physical abilities, but they do plenty of things to deservedly bring ridicule upon themselves. Sometimes it's what they say (looking at you, Ron Artest) or what they do (hi there, Mike Tyson). In other cases, it's the look they choose to adopt – particularly when it comes to specific hairstyles that make fans scratch their finely coiffed heads and say “Whaaaa?”
Here are some of sports' worst hair offenders:
Commodore's Krusty the Clown Coif
Mike Commodore is a Stanley Cup champion, and nobody can take that away from him. The veteran defenseman has also left another indelible mark, the kind that has galvanized its own place on the World Wide Web.
Turns out, Commodore can grow a rather impressive ginger 'fro if he sets his mind to it, and he did just that for Carolina during the 2006 Stanley Cup Final. Every time he removed his helmet, his hair sprung out like a giant crimson Jack-in-the-Box.
Make fun of him if you dare, but he's 6-foot-5 and 228 pounds – so make sure you do so at a safe distance.
Rose's Ridiculous Whatever-You-Want-To-Call-It Cut
The vast majority of baseball fans and experts have been led to believe that gambling is what has kept Pete Rose out of the Baseball Hall of Fame. In truth, it's probably his hairdo. As impressive as Rose's on-field resume is, his insistence on wearing a part-bowl-cut, part-mullet, part-Beatles-'do is the single most ridiculous thing he has done in his life.
And this is a man who wagered on his own team, and once posed wearing nothing but animal-print underwear with two bats slung over his shoulder. So that's saying something.
Agassi's Mullet Masterpiece
We've all had hairstyles we would come to regret, either immediately or eventually. Slot tennis legend Andre Agassi under the latter. It probably seemed cool at the time for him to celebrate his youth by wearing a hairstyle that made him look like an honorary member of the band Europe.
He even wore a wacky headband, which would have killed on karaoke night but didn't do much for his image in places like Wimbledon. Agassi is bald now, but you can be sure he still finds himself humming a few bars of “The Final Countdown” to himself from time to time.
Kirilenko's Gel-Fueled Spike Show
Andrei Kirilenko is one of the most well-rounded players in the NBA, blessed with decent shooting skills, a keen passing eye and quick hands that lead to turnovers on the defensive end. It's a good thing he has his hoops skills to fall back on, because his hairstyling methods are worth several technical fouls. Kirilenko will alternate between “Mega-fauxhawk, “Layer of Gel Spikes” and “I Woke Up, Threw Some Goop In And...Yeah.”
On the plus side, it does give him the versatility of looking like Ivan Drago, Annie Lennox or David Beckham on any given day. And who wouldn't want options like those?
Houshmandzadeh's Repulsive Rat Tail
Remember that kid in your school who thought it was the coolest thing in the world to come to class with a finely-groomed rat tail? Didn't you just want to throw him head-first into a toilet? Well, Baltimore Ravens receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh obviously didn't get the message, and brought that hair monstrosity to the NFL.
I know the league is all about preventing dangerous or potentially dangerous tackles from permeating the game, but if someone decided to grab Houshmandzadeh by his head tail and yank it clear off his head, I think we could waive the unnecessary roughness penalty on that one. Just sayin'.
Piazza's Blonde Bomb
Retired catcher Mike Piazza is a sure bet to make the Hall of Fame, and when he does, he'll probably thank dozens of people for helping him reach the pinnacle of his sport. One person who likely won't get any kudos is the clown who told Piazza it would be a boss idea to dye his hair blonde.
This definitely didn't help Piazza's “I'm Straight...Honest!” campaign, nor did the time he decided to grow one of those thin mustaches reserved for veteran porn stars and cheesy 70s action stars. As a player who routinely prided himself on having lustrous locks, the blonde look was a clear swing and a miss. Actually, it was more like a triple play at the end of a 20-2 loss.
Rodman's Technicolor Nightmare
Basketball bad boy Dennis Rodman's place on this list is as secure as Derek Jeter on a list of historically overrated New York Yankee shortstops. In other words, you really couldn't have a list without him. Choosing the worst Rodman coif is difficult, because there were just so many awful ones.
There was the time he had “Love Rules” carved into his head, with the remaining hair dyed pink. There was the multi-colored spike look, where you were certain the basketball would pop if it hit him in the hair. And then there were the multitude of styles that looked like Rodman simply handed a group of preschoolers some Crayola markers and told them to go to town. And maybe he did; after all, it's Rodman we're talking about.
Kaman's Hulkster Hairdo
The mullet is advertised as being “business up top and party in the back.” Think of the skullet as being exactly like a mullet, but with the business portion having gone through extensive corporate downsizing.
Hulk Hogan immortalized the skullet during his “Hulkamania” days in the World Wrestling Federation, and Los Angeles Clippers center Chris Kaman proudly brought the horrifying hairdo into the NBA. With Kamania running wild at the Staples Center, Kaman was the target of nightly photos featuring the party portion of his hairdo flopping about like a girl jumping rope.
He has since shaved his head, which is unfortunate in a way – though not nearly as unfortunate as the fact that Hogan's 75-year-old skullet is still intact.
Ronaldo's Half-Moon Hack Job
You're the centerpiece of the eventual World Cup soccer champions, preparing to perform in front of tens of thousands of fans in person and billions worldwide. Unless you've suffered some sort of major concussion or lobotomy, why on Earth would you shave your head bald except for a small half-moon-shaped patch at the front of your head?
Only Ronaldo will ever know the answer to that question, and even he might be thinking, “O que eu pensava? Um meio lua? Seriamente?” (“What was I thinking? A half-moon? Seriously?”)
Perhaps he lost a bet, or accepted a dare. Maybe he wanted the sleekness of a bald head combined with the front padding required for extra cushion on those deft headers. He scored twice in the final, so good for him. But next time he might want to speak to a hair expert. I hear Rodman is available.